


What We Became

by Harlow92



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Death, Depression, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Falling In Love, Getting Back Together, John's A+ Parenting, Loss of Parent(s), Major Original Character(s), Oral Sex, Original Character(s), Past Relationship(s), Relationship(s), Rough Sex, Sex, Snapshots, They Always Live, Unrequited Love, Young Love, heart ache, throughout the years
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-07
Updated: 2017-03-14
Packaged: 2018-08-29 14:29:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 28,637
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8493472
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Harlow92/pseuds/Harlow92
Summary: Something always brought Dean Winchester back to Lila no matter how hard he tried to walk away. This is a look through the years of their tumultuous and sordid relationship.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> This work loosely follows cannon. Also I don't really know how to word this, but I don't own any of the original characters from Supernatural or anything like that. So hopefully that covers it :).

Prologue

   Dean sat on the edge of the bed, head in his hands, as he contemplated the wonders of a terrible hangover. His skull felt like it had cracked into a million different pieces and his body as if it had been run over by semi, but it didn't matter. He had a job to do.  
   Groaning with the effort it took to stand, he walked out of his room and towards the bathroom where he proceeded to take the longest piss he had in his entire life. He was quite impressed with himself by the time it was finally finished.  
   When he got to the sink he took only a short amount of time to wash his hands before splashing water all over his face. He didn't bother to look at the reflection in the mirror; he knew what he'd see.  
A man who had been beat, well and truly. He couldn't handle the life anymore, as much as he hated to admit it. He was tired and he was done. Sam had always told him he needed to take a break and he never agreed with him more than now. His whole life had been dedicated to this one thing and he was beginning to realize it would end because of it.  
   He and Sammy had been fighting the good fight for a long time and they had been lucky so far, but he just had a feeling that their luck was up. Soon one of them would be gone and he'd do anything in his power to make sure it was him. Sam could survive out there, he could be something while all Dean knew was the hunt. It was his beginning and it would be his end.  
   He walked down the hall grumbling about his head and made his way towards the kitchen where he knew a pot of coffee would be waiting. He could almost taste the glorious liquid in his mouth before he even poured himself a cup.  
   Upon entering the kitchen he went straight for the cupboard holding the coffee cups and chose the biggest one in there. Once he had filled it up he promptly brought the rim to his mouth and chugged the whole glass.  
   "Really?" He looked up and saw Sam staring at him with a mixture of disgust of amusement.  
   "Yes really Sammy." He smiled and filled his cup up once more before leaving the room with an almost eager looking Sam following close behind.  
   "Hey, Dean, last night do you remember talking to anyone?"  
   "Sammy I was drunk, you're going to have to be more specific." Dean grumbled as he made his way to the bunker's library.  
   "Do you remember talking to a girl, on the phone maybe?" He had rounded on Dean and was now blocking his pathway to a glorious chair. Dean glared at him and pushed him out of the way.  
   "I don't know Sam, what's up with the..." Upon entering the library he stopped short. In one of the chairs sat a woman with long black hair. Though her back was turned to him he knew exactly who she was. He always did.  
   "I was trying to tell you. She showed up this morning, said you texted her saying you needed her or something last night? I told her you were drunk but she insisted you only contact her when you're in trouble." Sam looked at Dean confused as he stared at the back of one of the most beautiful woman he knew. Though Dean knew she could hear their conversation he also knew she wouldn't turn around. It was her own way of making him come to her.  
   "It's alright Sammy. I know her." He said gruffly as he started walking towards her. He could feel the electricity between them. She was like a drug, he could go months even years without her but he always came back for that one last hit; and somehow he knew it would be last.  
   He didn't notice Sam standing behind her still staring at him with curiosity. Hell he wouldn't even notice if the world had ended in that moment, he just knew that the most important thing was for him to see her. He had to see her.


	2. Chapter 1

Chapter One  
2005

   "Try all you want doll face you aren't going to beat me at this one."  
   "Oh really? Someone seems a little confident."  
   "All I'm saying is I've been watching you're game. I know how you work. If you don't get anything on the first shot you're game is shit." Lila threw her companion a devilish smile before bending over the table and shooting a stripe into a pocket.  
   "Are you suggesting that I don't know how to handle a pole, Dean?" She smiled suggestively at him before repositioning.  
   "I am saying no such thing Lila, just simply stating that once your game is off it's off." He smiled as she missed the next shot and glared at him.  
   "You can't talk to me while I'm trying to shoot." She snapped as she blew a stray strand of hair out of her face and went to the table that housed their pitcher of beer. She swigged some of her drink down and smiled at Dean who was concentrating on putting the ball in the pocket. She couldn't help but walk slowly behind him and smack his bottom hard as he went to make the shot.  
   "Now that was dirty tactic!" He glared at her as she laughed.  
   "Oh come on Winchester, you know I can't keep my hands off you." She waggled her eyebrows suggestively before he grabbed her around the waist and pulled her against him. She yelped at the surprise and began laughing when Dean pinched her sides.  
   "Oh baby I know." He smiled and let her go before walking back to their pitcher and taking a glass himself. He watched her as she laughed. Her smile was carefree as she made her way back to him and threw her arms around his neck, pulling his head down towards hers. Planting a single chaste kiss on his lips she looked him in the eyes. God she was beautiful.  
   "Take me home Dean." She whispered, a secret only they could hear. He smiled at her and clicked his tongue.  
   "You only say that because you're losing." He laughed again as she pouted, and though on most nights he could somehow find the nerve to resist her pout, tonight he couldn't.  
   Dean wrapped his arms around her waist and bent down towards her lips once more. She smiled and nipped at his bottom lip before giggling and closing her eyes as he took control of the kiss.  
   She was everything he had always wanted; beautiful, smart, and fun. She had a good head on her shoulders and she had a take no shit attitude, and he knew that if he could he would keep her forever. Unfortunately the life he lived didn't work with hers. She was pre-med, and soon enough she would be going to one of the top schools to continue studying her career path. He knew that one day his life would destroy hers and he couldn't have that.  
   "Where's your head at?" She whispered and ran her fingers through his hair, he hadn't realized it but he must have quit kissing her a while ago.  
   "Back at the hotel baby, it's time to get you home." He said before grabbing her arm and pulling her out behind him, her joyous laugh music to his ears.

   She stumbled into the door pulling him behind her, still laughing as she turned around. In these moments she often found herself wondering how they had come to cross paths. They lived such different lives and yet here he was in front of her. She reached out and tentatively touched his face. He closed his eyes and leaned into her touch before grabbing her roughly around the waist and pulling her body flush with his. He crushed his lips to hers, the urgency causing their teeth to collide, but neither noticed or minded as he walked her towards the bed.  
   When the backs of her knees hit the bed she broke free of the kiss and laid down, scooting her head to the top of the bed and closing her eyes briefly as he lifted his shirt off his body. When she opened them he was staring at her with a look of wonder in his eyes.  
   "What?" She whispered, not wanting to break the moment. He smiled at her before gently lowering himself down to the bed. Placing his forearms on either side of her head he hovered above as he settled comfortably between her legs.  
   "I was just thinking how lucky I am." He whispered back before kissing her again, this time slower. He wanted to savor the moment, savor the taste of Lila. He wanted to show her how lucky he thought he was, how important she was to him before he had to leave again. He never told her how long he was going to be gone or when he planned on leaving, the only indicator he ever gave her was an empty bed  
   She sighed as he began rocking his hips slowly into her. Taking the opportunity he gently swept his tongue inside and explored her mouth while he leaned on his left forearm and ran his right hand down her side to her thigh. He lifted it to rest on her hips and then began grinding against her with nothing short of abandon.  
   "Jesus you make me feel like a teenager." He whispered and she momentarily smiled back before she bit her bottom lip trying and failing to hide a moan. He smiled and kissed the side of her forehead before he reached between them and stuck his hand deftly into her pants. He groaned as his fingers found her wet center and began stroking her clit with his index finger.  
   Her harsh breathing filled him, it made him feel like he was on cloud nine. He leaned down and and caught her lips once more before striking a frenzied pace with his finger. She began bucking against his hand, trying to find the friction she needed.  
   "Dean, please?" She let out between soft moans and when he looked at her pleading eyes he knew he was done. This woman, or enchantress, had stolen his breath and heart, there was no going back.  
   "Take it slow Baby." He whispered before removing his hand from her pants and sliding it under her shirt; squeezing her breast as he rested his forehead on hers. She whimpered from the loss but none the less responded to his kneading under her shirt, which she desperately wanted off.  
   Soon he accommodated her want and slipped her shirt off with her bra following close behind. Once they were off he stood and pulled his pants down before turning to Lila and smiling at her admiration of his hard member.  
   "You like what you see?" He raised an eyebrow suggestively before she stood to join him in taking her pants off.  
   "I think you know the answer to that." She smiled before taking it in her hand and gathering the pre-cum at the tip with her thumb. She brought it to her lips and sucked it off. Dean closed his eyes and took a deep breath, she had always known how to torture him.  
   "I like what I taste too." She whispered in a husky voice before Dean growled and grabbed her once more for a teeth clattering kiss, he was in a hurry now. He lay on the bed and pulled her on top of him, he smiled as she laughed settling herself on his lap and bending over to connect their lips once more. He bunched her hair in one fist as his other trailed to her ass and squeezed it before moving on to line up for the final score.  
   Lila groaned as he snapped his hips up to meet hers in one swift motion. She bit his bottom lip as he began a frenzied pace. Soon it became too much and she sat up, throwing her hair back and began rocking with him.  
   Dean growled at the sight of her heaving breasts above as she chased her release. He propped up on one elbow using the other hand to support her back. He left the pace to her as he sucked one of her tits before going to the next one.  
   "Dean, please." She begged once more, this time more impatient. So he quickly flipped her over so he was on the top. Her thighs wrapped around his hips immediately as he began to thrust with as much force he could. When he felt the nails drag down his back to his ass it only spurred him on.  
   He could feel her walls start to clench around the same time she began chanting his name with no shame. He wasn't sure what he enjoyed more in moments like this, his own release or the look of utter desperation on Lila's face as she groaned his name.  
   When she did finally scream his name he followed close behind. Though he was exhausted he made sure he propped himself on a forearm above her so she wouldn't have to take all of his weight as he kissed her. It was sweeter, slower, and it was then that she realized this mind blowing moment was his goodbye. He would be gone again in the morning and like usual she wouldn't know when he'd be back.  
   "What's the matter?" He pulled back when he felt her still under him. Looking at her he saw tears began to form and he instinctively went to brush them with his thumb. The tender moment made Lila more heart broken then she had been before, but she knew the drill. She was completely aware of what she had signed up for when she started this relationship, if you could even call it that, with him.  
   "I just miss you when you go." She smiled and sighed closing her eyes. He frowned a moment, wondering how she could always tell.  
   "I know." He said quietly. When he had first met Lila he told himself to leave her alone, she was too good, but he couldn't stay away. It was like she was his own personal sun, always radiating happiness and warmth to him. He wanted more than anything to stay by her at all times, but he knew he couldn't bring her into his life, not completely anyways.  
   She only knew bits and pieces of what he did, but it was enough to keep her from wanting to follow him around. Although on more than one occasion she had asked him to stay with her; she always knew what the answer would be.  
   "How long?" She asked quietly as he rolled onto his back holding an arm out to invite her to cuddle. An invitation she would never turn down, she snuggled into his chest and began drawing circles on his abdomen.  
   "I don't know, a few months? I have to get Sammy." At the mention of his brother she stilled, he wasn't someone they discussed often.  
   "Do you think he'll go with you?" She asked cautiously. She had never met him but from the stories he didn't exactly want to jump in a car with Dean and rejoin his old life.  
   "He has to, it's our dad." He answered gruffly, clearly uncertain of the outcome of the trip he was about to take.  
   "I just think you should go with an open mind." She said slowly, worried about upsetting him.  
   "What's that supposed to mean? He's my family, families help each other." He stiffened under her. She looked up and stared in his eyes and smiled before kissing him quickly on his lips.  
   "I know, just be ready to help him too. He might not want your life when you're done finding your dad. You just have to be ready." Dean smiled at her, unable to resist her sensitivity to his little brother. Though she had never met him Lila had always empathized with Sam's take of things.  
   "What's not to want? I've got a gorgeous woman who's going to make me a kept man once she gets her degree." She smacked him lightly on his chest before laying her head back down.  
   "Kept man my ass, nobody can keep you Dean Winchester." They lay in silence, soaking up their last night with each other for a while.  
   "Just wake me when you go please?" She whispered trying to stay awake.  
   "Of course." With the small promise she closed her eyes.

   When she woke in the morning he was gone.


	3. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where Dean runs to the comfort of the girl he left.

Chapter Two  
2007

   Dean walked out the door of another hole in the wall hotel room with a bottle of whiskey in hand. Plopping down on the curb of the sidewalk he tipped the bottle up to his seeking lips and took a drink. Eyes pointed towards the sky he took in the sight of the moon. It was dark and raining; midnight his time god only knows what time it was for her.  
   He often found himself wondering where she was and what she was doing. Had Lila moved on? Lord knows it would have been easier for her, even better. Yet here he sat, hoping that somehow she still remembered him. That's all he wanted truly, was just for her to remember the good times. He would catch himself longing to touch her, to talk to her, but she had slipped through his fingertips and he just let her.  
   Dean shook his head, trying to shake the screaming thoughts inside his head. He wanted to talk to her; no needed to talk her. So much had happened since he left her that morning and he knew that only she would be able make sense of it all for him. So with a blurry mind and shaking hands he pulled his phone out of his pocket and dialed the number he knew by heart. As the phone rang he took a long pull from his bottle and waited.  
   He almost hung up on the fourth ring but then it stopped. He could hear a muffled voice through the speaker and his heart stopped.  
   "He- hello?" A soft voice whispered, laden with sleep and confusion. He instantly felt his breath leave his body.  
   "Is someone there?" She said, a little louder than the first greeting and Dean realized he needed to say something.  
   "Lila?" He whispered back, his voice breaking towards the end. Dean cursed himself for sounding so weak but her voice sounded so good. He could hear the breathing stop on the other end and he knew she needed a moment. So instead of pushing her to speak he took another swig and squinted at the sky.  
   "If this is who I think it is then you have a lot of nerve." She whispered. Dean let out a long shaky breath.  
   "I guess I have some explaining to do." He said gruffly.  
    "You don't owe me explanation, you don't owe me anything, you made that abundantly clear." She snapped back. Dean groaned and shook his head.  
   "Lila I don't know where to start. Please let me talk to you." He begged, his voice laced with desperation.  
   "Dean I don't know why you thought calling me now would help what you did a year ago." She said, venom in her voice. He hung his head and pinched his nose with his free hand.  
   "Please, please just let me talk to you." He whispered, there was a long silence but he could still hear her breathing. Taking it as good sign he took a deep breath.  
   "I fucked up. I fucked up so bad." And with those words he let out a broken breath, the closest thing to crying Dean would allow himself to do. Lila stayed silent on the other end as she waited for what he was going to say next. In all actuality she had missed him, more than she would like to admit, but it would never change what he had done.  
   "Tell me you went to school." He whispered, wanting to know all the great things she had done with her life. Dean needed to know that his sun kept shining.  
   "Yes," she whispered, her voice so low he almost didn't hear it. "Yes I went to school." Dean smiled, suddenly giddy that she had made it.  
   "That's my girl." He whispered back.  
   "Not your girl, you made sure of that," Lila answered in a cool tone. "I tried to call you, tried to get a hold of you somehow. You just forgot me." Her voice broke.  
   "I can't forget about you Lila. Try as I might I never could." He whispered drawing in another shaky breath.  
   "Why now Dean? Why call me now?"  
   "He died, Lila, my dad died." There was a heavy silence between the two as Lila processed the news. She had only met him a couple of times but she knew how much he meant to Dean, in his eyes his dad was larger than life. She tried to form the words that he needed to hear but found herself incapable of such a simple act. So instead she listened as Dean fought the urge to cry on the other end.  
   "I shouldn't have called, I know I shouldn't have, but I just... I just needed to talk to someone else." He whispered. Thinking of Sammy fast asleep back in the hotel room made him feel a twist of guilt. Talking to him just wasn't the same, instead of listening to Dean Sam just tried to make him feel better. He just needed someone to listen.  
   "What happened?" Lila's soft voice brought him back to the here and now and made him wonder how he would ever explain this to her.  
   "I uh," Dean gulped a breath down and set his forgotten bottle on the ground. "I don't know. One minute we were driving, all three of us, the next I woke up in a hospital bed, he came to talk to me and then he, uh, he just died." Dean felt the burning at the back of his throat as he began sobbing much to his own disappointment.  
   "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have called you." He said in a hurried tone and slammed the phone shut. Closing his eyes, Dean groaned at what an ass he'd made of himself.  
   The truth was he didn't want her to move on. He wanted Lila to be just as hung up on him as he was on her. Every day he thought of her beautiful smile and it still took his breath away.  
   The sound of his phone ringing distracted him. Looking at the screen he couldn't deny that he felt a pang of happiness at the caller ID. Flipping the phone open he hurriedly answered.  
   "Lila?" He asked quickly.  
   "I hope you realize that you're a dick, Dean Winchester." He smiled through his tears and chuckled silently at her greeting.  
   "I do. I definitely do."  



	4. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where Dean tries his hand at being "just friends."

Chapter Three  
2008

   "He better be treating you good."  
   "Dean."  
   "I'm just saying Lila, if he hurts you I'll kill him." Dean said the last part with a certainty that made Lila shiver. She moved her phone to her other ear as she laid down on the overstuffed couch in the commons room.  
   Dean had been calling periodically since he told her John died. He never seemed to ask more from her then a friend and for that she was appreciative. A friendship with Dean was almost impossible but it became easier as the year passed.  
   "Alright Lila, I gotta go. Have a job to do." With that he hung up.

   "Fuck." Dean clipped out as he threw his phone down on the bed and ran his hands through his hair.  
   "What's that?" Sam walked through the door of the motel room with a question in his eyes. Dean turned towards him and grunted before walking towards the bathroom.  
   "Nothing Sammy, don't worry." He slammed the door and locked it before starting the shower. He couldn't explain why he was so mad at a man he had never met, but in that moment he could kill Lila's boyfriend whether he was a good guy or not.  
   Dean stripped his clothes off and stood under the steady rhythm of hot water. He hoped that it would calm him down somehow. Taking the bar of soap he began washing himself while thinking of Lila.  
   Her lips. Her hair. Her smell. Her laugh.  
   "Fuck." He bit out again as he felt the unmistakable excitement that pulsed through his body. This had been happening much more than he'd care to admit lately.  
   He leaned his head against the tile and took a deep breath. She thought they were friends. Able to get over their past, but he proved her wrong on an almost daily basis. He wanted her so bad it hurt, but he would never ask for her. Not again.  
   His right hand slipped lower as his left came across his chest to grab his shoulder. He shuddered at the friction, letting out a gasp as he imagined a more feminine hand wrapping around his length.  
   Dean could hear her throaty laugh as she taunted him for being "so eager." He would never admit it to her but he was always eager for her. He felt her light kisses spread across his chest, her eyes squinted in consternation as she concentrated on his pleasure.  
   He closed his eyes and lost himself to the idea that she was standing under the same water stream as him. She would slowly raise on her toes and kiss him seductively behind his ear before biting his lobe lightly. His breath came faster as he imagined her lowering herself down his body, biting and kissing the whole way.  
   "Are you ready Baby?" She whispers peering up at him through her thick lashes.  
   "Always." Before he can finish the word she kisses his head then lashes her tongue against the slit, licking up all the pre-cum. Then slowly, mercilessly she takes his whole length, all the while staring up at his face, always watching his reaction.  
   "Oh... God." He moans. He can imagine imagine her mouth all over him, her tongue licking at his angry veins while her hand covered whatever her mouth wasn't touching. He would sink both hands in her long black hair, begging her to continue what she was doing.  
   His breaths came out shorter as he began grinding his hips in his hand. He felt the excitement grow to an unbearable point. The combination of his imagination coupled with the steam of the shower created a heady combination.  
   "Oh fuck." He bit out as he imagined Lila grabbing his ass to pull him farther into her mouth. The long moan that followed was surely heard by Sam, but Dean couldn't bring himself to care. In that moment he felt more pleasure than he had in a while. The cum that streaked the shower was proof.  
   As he stood catching his breath he thought of the last time he had seen her. She had been curled under the blankets, her hair spread in a million different directions. Her soft breaths came out of her slightly open mouth and he couldn't resist the urge to walk over to her and place a chaste kiss on her soft lips.  
   "God, I think I love you." He whispered before turning to leave the room.

   "Hey Liles, who was that?" Lila looked up from her spot on the couch and saw Weston standing in front of her with a questioning look on his face.  
   "Some telemarketer. Why?" She stood and wrapped her arms around his neck.  
   "You just looked so.. happy?" He said questioningly before laughing and kissing her.  
   "Only my girl could talk to some pests and find enjoyment in it." He grabbed her hand and led her towards his room.


	5. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where Lila spots the Impala.

Chapter 4  
Part 1  
2009

   When Lila first saw the car she didn't think twice about it. Dean's wasn't the first '67 Impala she had ever seen and it sure wouldn't be the last. It was as she continued to spot it throughout her college town that she began to wonder. She saw it parked at Gas 'N Go, a dive bar downtown, a burger joint that she had still yet to try, and then finally at a seedy motel. The coincidence was too much for her to ignore.  
   So when she went and knocked on the door the car was parked in front of at the motel she wasn't surprised when Dean answered the door, his gun cocked and ready to shoot. They stared at each other for what felt like an eternity before he lowered the gun and smiled at her. It wasn't his old megawatt smile that had always made her knees tremble, instead it was a sad one that made her want to shield him.  
   "Hey Lila." His deep timbre shook her to her core. She stepped across the thresh hold and reached out to him, touching him gently before smiling and wrapping her arms around him.  
   "Hi Dean." She whispered, relief evident in her voice. He looked different, much older than the last time she had seen him. His face was lined with more wrinkles and his eyes held a cynicism she would have never expected.  
   "What are you doing here?" He asked confused. When he and Sammy had left for this job he never expected her to be here. It was something they didn't talk much about, he never asked where she lived and she never volunteered the information.  
   "I go to school here Dean. What are you doing?" She let him go and looked around the room. The dirty clothes were spread around, fast food wrappers were everywhere, and books were opened to random pages and laying on different surfaces throughout the room. She looked at Dean and raised an eyebrow, his sheepish smile and shrug that followed made her laugh.  
   "Sam and I are working a case here. Real bad one, I'll spare you the details though." He said as she grimaced. After being with him she knew that when something went bump in the night it wasn't always the pipes of an old house, but she still didn't want to know all of the gory facts.  
   "And they say chivalry is dead." She smiled and watched him. Dean moved self consciously under her watchful stare before motioning to a chair for her to sit in.  
   "What have you been up to?" He asked after a few moments of silence.  
   "Studying, that's my life now." Dean laughed and smiled at her.  
   "You did choose a rather hard profession."  
   "I guess. I knew it would be hard, but I didn't know it would be this hard." She said as she thought of all the homework she had left to do at home.  
   "Only you would admit to thinking pre med wouldn't be hard." He smiled again, a genuine smile that made her heart ache. She really did miss him, more then she'd care to admit.  
   "Shut up." She stuck her tongue at him and laughed when he returned the favor.  
   "I was going to go grab some lunch if you want to come, you know if you have time to break away from studying." Lila looked at him thoughtfully and smiled.  
   "Of course."

   "Don't remind me of that!" Lila hid her head in hands, her face red. Dean smiled widely at her, laughing as he thought of her coming up behind a stranger and covering his eyes with her hands. To this day she swore she only whispered "guess who" in his ear, but her face still beet red when he mentioned it.  
   "Guess who baby." Dean smiled at her and laughed harder when she rolled her eyes at him. It felt so good to be around her again, her warmth seeped into him making him feel whole.  
   He wondered what all he had missed out on. All these years since he had seen her and she seemed to age only subtlety. Her hair was a little shorter and her curves had filled out more, but over all she was the same beautiful girl he had put through hell years ago.  
   He resisted the urge to punch the table when she first told him about moving in Weston. He couldn't resist it when she mentioned a ring at the cleaners. The undoubtedly bitch of a man had more balls then Dean ever did, Weston had effectively taken his sunshine.  
   "You're getting married huh?" He asked tapping the table angrily with his index finger.  
   "Yeah, Dean, I'm getting married." Lila whispered looking anywhere but his face.  
   "Well that's great, Lila, really. Congrats." He bit out before running his hands through his hair.  
   "Dean." Her voice had the edge of warning in it that told him he had no right to deny her a happy future. He knew she was right, of course, but it still made him irrationally angry.  
   "I know, I know. I just hate the guy."  
   "You've never even met him." She said with a exhausted sigh.  
   "Don't have to. Weston is a bitch name, guys a bitch." Dean stared petulantly out the window they were seated at. He heard the scrape of a chair and looked towards her standing up. Panic settled in his gut, he needed her, every minute of warmth he could squeeze out of her.  
   "Lila-"  
   "No, this was obviously a horrible idea," she said pulling on her jacket, Dean stood and grabbed her small hand. Sucking in a breath at the undeniable heat that filled him when touching her.  
   "For the record, Dean, YOU left. Not me. So quit acting like I've done you a disservice by moving on." She let out a frustrated gasp before tanking her hand out of his and turning to leave.  
   "You're right," Dean said in a hurry, trying to prevent her from leaving. "You're completely right, I left." She stopped and looked at him.  
   "I don't have any room to talk about him and I won't. I just want to have lunch with you, Lila. Please, just don't leave." He cringed inwardly at how desperate he sounded, but he had to try. He wanted this last memory of her to be happy.  
   "Alright," she smiled wearily at him and sat back down. "Let's talk about something else."  
   "It really is a bitch name though," Dean murmured. When Lila shot him a pointed glare he held his hands up in surrender and shrugged his shoulders. "Alright, alright. I'll stop."

   Lila stood by her car and smiled at Dean. Her face flush from laughing, she tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. He was a beautiful man, and no matter how hard she tried to ignore it he would always set her heart fluttering. She resisted the urge to reach out and touch him and instead shoved her hands in her pockets.  
   "Well I guess I'd better go, gotta feed the dog." She pointed at her car awkwardly and waited for Dean to say something, anything to make her stay. It never came.  
   "Alright. It was sure good seeing you Lila." He savored the feeling of her name. Suddenly he had to fight the urge to cry. His year was coming to a close, he would never have the chance to tell her how badly he fucked up. He'd never get to kiss her again, feel her again, or see her again. It was like a knife to the gut. Worse yet, she would never know the truth. She would believe that he just left her, again. There would be no more periodic phone calls checking in to see how she was doing, no friendship. In the end she would hate him.  
   "Look me up next time you're in town Dean." She smiled and walked towards him, wrapping her arms around his neck. He snaked his arms around her midsection and held her close.  
   "Ok Lila." He whispered before releasing her suddenly and walking towards the motel door. A confused Sam peeked out the window at the mysterious woman who stared after Dean.


	6. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where Dean realizes he needs to say more.

Chapter 4  
Part 2  
2009

It took Dean longer than he'd care to admit to find Lila's car. It was parked in the driveway of a small home that looked like it was straight out of a magazine. He smiled as he thought of her describing the home of her dreams to him a long time ago, it gave him some satisfaction to know that this picture perfect place was so far off the mark it didn't even register.

"Fucking Weston." He muttered to himself as he climbed out of the Impala and marched up to her door. He only thought for a second before pounding on the door.

He couldn't explain exactly why he had decided to hunt down Lila's house at ten thirty in the evening, he just knew that his last meeting with her wasn't enough. He and Sammy had gone off to gank the ghost that had been wreaking havoc and afterwards he had a feeling he needed to see her. He had to say something more, it needed to be more than a quick goodbye. That would never be enough.

When Lila answered the door it was with a very menacing looking dog following close behind barking at the top of it's lungs. She stared at Dean with confusion before calling her dog off. She was barely wearing anything and as she pulled her robe tighter against her body; it reminded Dean that winter was upon them.

"What's wrong Dean?" She asked, her voice laced with concern as she took in his sight. Slightly disheveled as his eyes shifted around continually. His black shirt clung to his body where giant wet spots soaked through the fabric and droplets of water fell from his hair like he had just gotten out of the shower.

"I just," he closed his eyes and sighed as if he were annoyed. "I just want to talk to you." He pinched the bridge of his nose and sucked in a deep breath.

"Ok," Lila moved out of the way and waved him in. "What's going on?" She asked him, growing more worried as he seemed to grow more agitated.

Dean leaned his head against the wall and tried to fight the tears that were too close to coming for comfort. He felt agitated, high strung, the tension that rippled through his body was making him sore.

Lila walked up to him tentatively and laid her hand on his back. He stiffened before turning his head slightly towards her and smiling tightly. What was he going to tell her? How would he tell her that he was literally going to hell?

"I just, I just miss you so much." He whispered. Lila opened her mouth to say something but found herself at a loss for words. Her mind went blank, all these years she had tried so hard to get over him and she had. Or at least she thought she had, now here he stood in the home she shared with her fiancé and Dean was the only man she had on her mind. Moving her hand over she lay her cheek on his back and sighed.

"I miss you too." She whispered. His breath got heavy as he felt Lila against his back. He closed his eyes and sighed.

"Is he here?"

"No." Dean could barely hear her response. He turned to face her and grabbed her hand, stroking his thumb across her knuckles.  
"Lila, I've got to tell you something."

Lila nodded her head and led him down the hall. Once they got to the living room she waved him to sit on the too big couch before joining him on the other side. The dog came and laid by her feet protectively and watched Dean warily.

"He won't hurt you." Lila answered the question he hadn't voiced as she reached down and patted the dog's head. Dean nodded his head and looked around the room; surprised by how normal it looked. The coffee table in front of them had school books spread all over it and the tv was on but the volume was so low he couldn't hear what was being said. Lila had always been notorious for her need of back ground noise, Dean smirked to himself as he remembered their arguments over this particular habit.

His gaze lead back towards the woman in question and he sighed. His throat went dry and he swallowed hard, trying to gain the nerve to speak. Licking his lips he took a deep breath and looked towards the ceiling.

"Lila, I'm not going to be around for much longer." He choked at the end and diverted his eyes to anywhere but her.

"Ok... Dean isn't that the norm?" She asked slowly, trying to understand why this was so hard for him.

"No Lila. I'm dying." He whispered and met her eyes for the first time. She nodded slowly. Her dazed look showing that she was still confused.

"What is it?" She asked looking at him finally.

"What do you mean what is it?" Dean raised his eyebrow in confusion as he tried to gauge her reaction.

"I mean what is it? Cancer? Liver failure? What are you dying from Dean?" She snapped at him. Dean took a deep breath trying to figure out what he'd tell her. When he imagined this conversation he had never gotten this far.

"It's not... natural," he said slowly. "I, uh, I made a deal." His voice went higher as she scrunched her face and stared incredulously.

"What the hell do you mean you made a deal?" Lila tried to calm herself, she tried to regulate her breathing, but with Dean dropping this bombshell on her she had a hard time. She wanted to punch something, mainly him. She wanted to sob into her pillow. She didn't know what she wanted.

"I made a deal with a, uh, a demon. Sam's life for mine." Dean whispered.

"What does that even mean Dean? You gave up your life for Sam? Why?"

"He was dead, Lila, I couldn't just let him die." Dean's voice broke. No matter how hard he tried to explain it he knew she wouldn't understand, she had no way of comprehending it. She had no family left to take care of.

"But he was dead Dean. There's no reversing that, that's the natural order."

"I should be dead, Lila. My dad made a deal for me. His life for mine. I made it for Sam." Lila stood up and walked to the window. She stared petulantly out at the night as she tried to process the information he was giving her.

"Why did you come here?" She whispered after what felt like hours of quiet. Dean looked towards her and laughed to himself.

"I came to hunt." He said plainly. Lila turned so quick Dean was sure she had whip lash.  
"I meant here Dean. Why did you come here tonight? To add insult to injury? To tell me you miss me and then leave me again, forever this time? Jesus you're an ass you know." Lila snapped.

Dean looked at the floor. He knew she was right, of course she was. He had no business finding her again, he should have left well enough alone when he left her in the parking lot earlier. He couldn't bring himself to do it though. He couldn't handle the thought of not saying goodbye.

"I came to tell you goodbye Lila, for good this time. I came to tell you that I was an idiot, I should have come back to you. I should have always come back to you. I know I shouldn't have come but you said it yourself. I'm an ass Lila. I couldn't leave with this unfinished business."

"You're a real class act Dean. Thanks for letting me know." Lila wiped furiously at her eyes as she began sniffling. Dean didn't know what overtook him but he stood and covered the space between them in a few long strides. Wrapping his arms around her and pulling her against his chest was the only thing he could think to do. Soon her sobs were wracking her body and Dean found himself whispering assuring words in her ear as he tried not to cry himself.

"You make me so sad." She whispered as she lifted her head and looked into his beautiful green eyes. Dean placed his hands on either side of her face and wiped at the tears with his thumbs.

"I'm so sorry." He whispered back, bending his neck slowly, he hesitated slightly before pressing his lips gently to hers. Lila didn't move at first, it was as if she were a statue. When he began to pull away though she wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him closer.

They moved slowly, tentatively at first. His lips moving softly against Lila's; she had always marveled at the feel of his lips. Every other surface of his body was rough, from his calloused hands to his hard torso there wasn't anything soft except his lips. She had always found them to be safe and welcoming; while his body stirred a desire within her that no one else's could, it was his lips that truly got her going.

She gasped when Dean turned her suddenly and backed her against the wall. He took the opening and slipped his tongue in smoothly. He growled as he reacquainted himself with the inside of her mouth. A small part of him was telling him that what he was doing was wrong, that he should leave her and let her be happy, but the stronger more selfish side of him won out as he moved his hands from her face and slid them down her front. Once he reached her waist he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her closer to him.

Lila gasped at how hard he was as he began kissing down her neck and across her collarbone. They burned her skin, sweat forming as she realized what she was doing. She ran her hand through her hair as he rested his head in the crook of her neck. He was so still she wondered if he remembered where he was and what he had just been doing, but his breathing was a good indicator that he was still heated up.

"Do you want to do this?" He whispered and waited for her answer. When he didn't get one straight away he looked at her face and saw small tears forming in her eyes before she smiled and nodded.

"Follow me."

~  
Dean watched as Lila closed the door to her bedroom and walked over to a dominating dresser. There she quietly slipped her ring off, an action that didn't go unnoticed by him but he couldn't be annoyed by it. He didn't want to see the ring as much as she didn't want a reminder of the promise she was breaking.

When Lila turned to face him she smiled and walked slowly towards him. She placed her small hands on his shoulders and kissed his jaw, then his forehead, and finally his lips. He sighed with relief as their lips met again and this time it was her tongue that found its way into his mouth.

Dean backed her towards the bed and when her knees hit the mattress she sat and looked up him. He touched her chin with the back of his hand before pulling his shirt over his head. When Lila followed suit he sucked in a deep breath. Her olive skin was as soft and welcoming as ever.

"God your beautiful." He whispered and the next thing she knew he was on the bed and lowering her so she lay down. Dean hovered over her and studied her from his position. Her face, her lips, her eyes, everything about her was as exquisite as it had been the day he left her.

"Dean?" Lila murmured as he watched her. He smiled at her and bent so his mouth was by her ear.

"I'm going to cherish every part of you tonight." He answered before kissing her neck and wrapping an arm around her waist, pulling her closer to him.

Lila closed her eyes, lost in the feel of his searing lips running over her body. First her neck, then her chest, and finally he stopped at he flat stomach and kissed while pushing her shorts down. He groaned when he saw her completely naked. It was like it had always been, soft but hard in all the right places.

Dean started at her feet kissing up one leg until he reached the apex of her thighs and moving to the other one. Lila groaned in frustration but laughed at what a tease he still was. He looked up at her and smirked before resting himself between her legs and grabbing her thighs, pulling her closer to his mouth.

When the first tentative lick touched Lila's center she groaned an animalistic noise. Dean hummed in approval before shoving his face farther in and beginning to set a pace. She reached one hand down and grasped his short hair while she pulled her own with the other. Her hips automatically moving with the pace he set.

"Oh fuck." She gasped as he stuck a finger into her entrance and began thrusting. She felt herself so close to the edge, it was a quick pace and he was the only one who could bring her to the brink that fast.

Dean groaned at how sweet she tasted. His tongue lapping at her clit as he stuck another finger inside her. He knew he was hitting her g spot from the sounds of pleasure she was making and it felt good knowing he could still read her body so well. When her body began convulsing around his tongue he moved faster and soon he felt her come apart.

Lila moaned as he kissed her things and then looked towards her, the evidence of her orgasm on his face. Dean crawled up her body, planting kisses along the way. When he reached her lips he wiped his chin off and took her mouth again.  
It was more passionate then any kiss she had before. There was so much wrapped into that one action; love, hurt, and sorrow just to name a few.

She could feel his hard length concealed by his jeans pressed into her stomach. Lila moved her hands down his chest and abdomen before she deftly unbuttoned his pants and sunk her hand underneath the waist. Dean moaned as she cupped his balls and squeezed his shaft, involuntarily bucking his hips into her.

"Take them off please." Lila demanded, her voice thick with desire. Dean was quick to comply, standing he shoved them down, his erection springing freely. She took a tiny gasp of air as she remembered just how big he was.

Dean kneeled between her legs once more and grabbed her hand. Raising it to his lips he gently kissed her knuckles. A wicked smile spread across his face when he felt her shiver.  
Dean lowered himself down to kiss her with as much as he had in in him, sliding into her as his tongue slid into her mouth.

"You feel so good." He whispered, nuzzling into her neck as he waited for her to adjust to his size. He felt the sweat dripping down his back and almost lost patience when Lila tapped his back.

He began moving, in and out, slowly. Her breathing became more erratic with each thrust. He moved his hand over her body, tracing every curve, this would be a moment to cherish. Lila's hands moved to his hair, pulling gently as his breathing stuttered.

"Dean." She whimpered as he began moving faster. He knew she needed more and he was willing to give it to her. Seeking out her mouth in a passionate kiss he grabbed one of her things and pulled it up on his hip. Skin slapped skin as he began moving faster into her. The new angle eliciting moans from both of them.

"My Lila." He growled as he ruthlessly pounded into her, creating a bruising rhythm. He could tell by her moans and whimpers that she was close. He sunk his hand between them and began stroking at her clit while his thrusts quickened.

"Fuck." He bit out as she sank her teeth into his shoulder. She went tumbling over the edge and followed closely behind, chanting her name as if it were a prayer.

Dean nuzzled into her neck and stayed there while they came back down to earth. Lila's finger tips tracing shapes absently on his back. He listened to her steady breathing and wondered how the hell he had gone so long without seeing her.

When he raised his head to look into her eyes he saw tears rolling down her cheeks. Lila smiled sheepishly and wiped them away before straining her neck towards him and capturing his lips with her own. Dean was taken away by how sweet it was, how much love she put into it. When he pulled away to catch his breath she began tracing his face with her fingers. He closed his eyes and savored her touch.

"I don't want to die." He whispered before she wrapped her arms around him and snaked her legs over his hips; holding him to her as he cried into her neck.

 


	7. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where Sam wakes Dean from a good dream.

Chapter 5  
2010

Dean traced his fingertips slowly down her back, following the curve of her spine until he got to the beginning of her ass. Quickly changing his path to her hair which was splayed wildly across her face. Tucking a few pieces behind her ear he admired how beautiful she was, her face flushed from the heat in the room, lips swollen from a late night.

He smirked at the thought of her calling his name in the throes of passion. It was him that she went home with every night, that she would beg to quit teasing and shit if that didn't make him proud then he didn't know what could. He would happily walk around with her on his arm all day, beating off his competitors.

"Are you going to drag you finger tips over me all day long?" She whispered, her eyes still closed but a smile spreading across her lips.

"Oh baby you know I would love to trace every inch of your body." Dean answered Lila as she peaked at him through slightly opened eyes.

"Don't make promises you can't keep." Her voice was breathy. As much as he wanted to have her right then he had plans for the day that didn't involve staying in a motel all day.

"No you siren, we got shit to do, get outta bed." He smacked her playfully on the ass before throwing the sheets back and jumping out of bed.

"Why?" Lila tried her best pout as she looked at Dean from the bed. Of course she knew what he had planned. They were in her hometown, he wanted the Tour of Lila as he called it. She wasn't too excited about it but he had been so animated asking her if she'd be willing to be his "guide" that she couldn't say no. Lila thoroughly regretted that decision now.

Dean walked over to her side of the of the bed and leaned over her smiling. She turned onto back so she could meet his gaze. Bending over Dean placed a gentle kiss on her lips, before standing again and walking towards the bathroom.

"Wanna save some water babe?" He wiggled his eyebrows suggestively. Lila covered her face and laughed.

"Your seduction techniques are getting rusty Winchester." She teased.

"Suit yourself." He shrugged and went into the bathroom closing the door. Dean smiled as he heard her throw back the cover and come padding towards the door.

"Dean wait." He could hear her singsong voice.

"Dean." He began to open the door before he realized it wasn't her voice he was hearing anymore.

"Dean, you gotta wake up." Slowly Dean opened his eyes and looked up at Sam. He groaned and rolled onto his stomach. Of course it was a stupid dream, technically a memory. If he could relive that day for the rest of his life he'd die a happy man.

"I was having a great fucking dream. This better be worth it." He grumbled angrily as he buried his face in the pillow.

"Somebody else died last night." Sam said with a somber expression. Dean looked up at him confused.

"We salted and burned the bones four hours ago." He said before sitting up.

"I know, but there must be something we missed. Some guy died last night in the same way the first three did." Sam explained in an annoyed tone. Dean had been like this a lot lately, he was seemingly unable to be in the here and now.

"Well then lets go." Dean threw his comforter back and stored his dream in the back of his head for later use. Now he had to do everything he could to keep Sam from realizing just what Hell had done to him.

~

"I don't know what to do to make you happy." Weston sat on his knees staring at the floor. He was bent in front Lila his hands clasped on her lap like a prayer as she sat on the couch crumpled in tears. Her long black hair providing a curtain that made it impossible for him to see her face. She had been like this for months, almost catatonic. For the longest time he had hoped it would pass, that she would go back to smiling and laughing infectiously but it never did.

She stayed at home unless she was going to school and even then she was barely participating in her program. How she managed to keep her grades up was beyond his comprehension. Her friends were all but forgotten as she spent her days in her own world.

He stared at her open mouthed as he waited for a response that he knew would never come. He stood and threw his hands in the air, overcome with frustration would be an understatement.

"God dammit Lila! What do I do?" He shouted, making the dog bark at the sudden burst of anger. Her only reaction was to reach out towards her ever present protector and soothe him with a stroke to the head. All the anger Weston had kept bottled up in hopes of her return snapped at that precise moment. He stared unbelieving at his fiancé and laughed a dark laugh.

"Are you fucking kidding me? Hmm Lila? I sit here begging for an answer from you and all you can do is pet your dog?" He asked in a quiet voice. Lila looked up toward him, peering out from underneath her thick hair with a face that told him that she didn't care anymore.

"There's no answer to give Weston." She answered in a shaky voice that was scratchy from misuse.

"What do you mean there's no answer? There's always an answer Lila!" He yelled, beyond annoyed with the direction the talk was going. Lila bit her bottom lip and tapped her fingers on one of her bare legs.

"Look Weston, you and I both know there's nothing I could do or say to fix whatever it was that we had. Even if there was I wouldn't want to do it." She whispered, her heart heavy with loss. It wasn't the loss of Weston that weighed her down though. The minute Dean bent his neck and gave her one last slow kiss was the minute she knew true sorrow.

When his car left her driveway and she knew without a doubt that she would never see him again and she lost it. She grieved so heavily for a man that she thought she'd forgotten years before that there were nights it took all her strength to take a shower. The minute he left was the minute her sanity left.

"How could you say that?" His voice thick with emotion.

"I'm broken," She answered lips trembling and voice breaking. "Weston, I love someone else and he's dead."

The silence that filled the room was thick, the statement lay heavy in the air as Weston's eyes grew wide. In all the years they had dated there had been no one else that he knew of. She never talked about exes or flings. He was never naive enough to think she didn't have any, he just thought they weren't important enough.

"Wha-" His fists pulled at his hair. "What the fuck do you mean?"

"I love someone else." She whispered, trying to hold back the sobs that were threatening to wrack her body. She loved someone else and she could never have him.

 


	8. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where Cas saves Lila.

Chapter 7  
2012

  
His scars told a story. One of pain and loss. Defeat and tribulation. Trials and gain. He was strong but he was tired. It was never more evident then when he was lying in bed waiting for sleep to overcome. Staring at the ceiling late at night while Lisa slept next to him.

She was so peaceful; her face relieved of all worries and stress. She wasn't scarred. She wasn't fucked up from years of horrifying truths. She was an angel, and not like the dicks Cas called family, she was an angel of her own making. So maybe she wasn't who he pictured spending his life with, that could change right?

If he quit thinking about her long enough Lila would disappear. If he quit thinking about him long enough the pain and utter abandon he felt towards losing Sam would eventually leave. If he quit praying to him long enough he would forget that Cas was ever his friend. At least that's what he told himself late at night when he longed for his life before all of this shit happened.

He wanted so much for Sam to be here. He wanted to share in his joys and pains with his little brother. He wished that he had brought Lila with him on one of his hunts just to meet his brother. He knew they would get a kick out of each other. Two highly educated individuals who somehow got stuck with a sap like him. Part of the reason he never brought her was because he knew Sam would be her undoing. He would make her realize that she had shacked up with the wrong brother.

Looking back now he got angry at his own insecurities. He realized now that he wanted all of the things he had denied himself for so long. A wife, a kid, a home; he had them for all intents and purposes, but the people playing the part weren't who he expected. He wanted Lila, the longing so strong he found himself unable to breath at times. He wanted a kid, he loved Ben so much it hurt but he couldn't help the feeling of intense want when he thought of having a child of his own. He wanted a home, but he wanted his brother to be able to come over for a beer in that home. None of it would happen for him.

Suddenly the weight of the world pushed against his chest. He took deep steadying breaths as he tried to calm the inevitable storm. The art of avoiding a panic attack was still lost on him as he threw the covers back and stumbled to the restroom.

Shutting the door quickly he bent over the toilet as heaves began wracking his body. Nothing was coming but there was no stopping it; there would never be a calm for him. He gulped in air between heaves and when they finally stopped he collapsed to the floor and fought to regain his breath.

Head rested in his hands as he slumped against the wall in defeat. He could feel the tears trickling down his face as he started naming things in the bathroom that he could see; something Lisa had told him would help with the attacks.

"God dammit Cas if you can hear me I need your help!" He growled just before he heard Lisa open the door and tip toe towards him. Though his head was still down he could see her feet in front of him before he felt her hand grab his chin.

Lisa smiled tiredly at him before wiping his tears with her thumb. She gently caressed his cheek, he leaned his hand into the touch. Her skin grounding him. They stood like that for a while before Dean stood up and wrapped his arms around her pulling her into a tight hug.

"I'm sorry I woke you." He said remorsefully. He hated making her worry and unfortunately it seemed to be the only thing he knew how to do.

"I'd rather help you through it than sleep through it baby." She whispered and kissed him chastely on the lips before grabbing his hand and leading him back to bed.

He could do it. He could forget. He could move on. Or at least that's what he told himself.

~

  
"He's alive you know."

"No he's not." Lila whispered at the creature staring at her. Scared out of her mind didn't even begin to explain her feelings. She watched as the black eyed man smiled sickly at her and shook his head in pity.

"Oh little girl. He is most definitely still alive. Dick got himself saved a long time ago," He drug out the last word and shrugged his shoulders sheepishly. "Must not have wanted you back. Unrequited love is so... pathetic." He sneered before laughing.

Lila shook her head refusing to believe him. If he had been saved he surely would have told her. It had been three years since she'd last seen him, surely at some point he would tell her that he was ok. Or at least she hoped he would.

"I don't believe you." She whispered her tone sounding unsure even to herself. The man barked out a cold laugh before advancing towards her.

"His loss is my gain." He sneered before bending to sniff her hair. She gagged at the smell of sulfur to which he laughed.

"What the matter, can't handle a real man?" He smiled at her, mere inches from her face, before grabbing the back of her head and biting her lip till it drew blood. She cried out as she instinctively began fighting against the bonds that held her down.

"Please God help me." She whimpered before realizing the words were coming. The man barked out another laugh before slapping her across the face. The force of the blow sent pain radiating through her face, the humiliation sent it radiating through her pride.

"You think God cares about you? I got news for you baby, he has left the building." He smiled again. He knelt in front of her and grabbed one of her ankles. His hand began sliding up her as she was overcome with the urge to vomit.

She thought back to how this had happened. One second she was in the university's library and the next she was tied to this chair. She must have fallen asleep, but how the man had managed to transport her without waking her was what she didn't understand. She wondered what he was, she knew enough from Dean to tell that he wasn't human, but she had never asked him to describe what he fought.

Now looking into the eyes of this monster she wondered how he had done it for so many years. He had been so good about shielding her from the truth because that's what she wanted. Now, though, as she sat tied up in some dingy basement she wished she had asked him more.

As the man continued his slow ascent up her leg she heard a crashing noise outside the room. He whipped his head around quickly and looked towards the door. The tense energy rolling off him as he let his hand drop and slowly stood. Lila wondered if whatever was behind that door would be worse than him. God she hoped not.

When the door opened slowly she was struck with absurdness of who stepped through. Resisting the urge to bite back the groan of disappointment as she waited for the man in a trench coat to be taken out by the black eyed creature. She never had good luck before, why she would expect it now was beyond her.

Trench coat stepped into the room and looked around before landing on Lila. He stared at her for a brief moment before walking to black eyes. To Lila's surprise the creature was backing away from him.

"Castiel," He said in the form of a greeting before looking towards Lila. "Someone sent you for this scum?" He sounded confused. Lila took the distraction as an open moment and began working her hands out of the rope.

"She is to be protected by my brethren." Lila raised an eyebrow in confusion. Protected? Brethren? What the hell was this guy talking about?

"You really are his little bitch boy aren't you?" The man scoffed.

"You need to watch who you're talking to." Castiel growled and Lila found herself terrified of him for the first time since he showed his face. She tried to make her hands as small as possible as she pulled them through the tight knots slowly. The burn was more painful than she'd care to admit and with the amount of blood she saw when she looked down she knew she was going to have to clean and bandage them if she made it out.

She looked towards the two men again and watched as Castiel advanced on the black eyed man again. This time he had no intention of stopping whatever he was about to do. She pulled her right hand out right as he was about to place his finger on the man's forehead, but the black eyed man looked upwards and seemed to open himself up.

With his arms lifted away from his body and his mouth wide open a large black mist came out of his body. She watched in horror as that mist disappeared into nothing and the body collapsed. Lila's mouth was hanging open when she noticed Castiel was starting to move towards her.

Panic once again rose in her throat as she thought of how badly he had scared the monster. What was he? She stared at the man with cautious eyes as he shook his head and turned towards her.

"Puh... please." She shivered as he began advancing towards her with a curious look on his face as he regarded her. She tried to look away but found herself unable to break her eyes from his penetrating stare.

"What?" His deep voice asked as he bent in front of her. He frowned at the state of her wrists before touching them.

"Don't hurt me." She whispered as she felt a cooling sensation on the skin of her wrist. Refusing to look at what he was doing she instead looked at his face mere inches away from hers.

"Why would I hurt you? I'm here to protect you." He looked at her with a genuinely confused face and continued touching her wrists. When she looked down she stared astonished at her blemish free skin. There was no sign that they had been bleeding, no cuts or burns.

"How did you do that?" She whispered, her fear beginning to dull against all of her instincts.

"I'm an angel of the Lord." He said it so nonchalantly that she almost missed it. Almost.

Her mouth hanging open she stared at him as he untied the rope with ease. Hysteria began bubbling up her throat and when she began laughing she swore there was no way to stop it. He looked towards her, eyebrow raised as he paused what he was doing to watch her unravel.

"I'm.. sorry. It's just that, well, I could have sworn you just said you were an angel." She laughed again. Now he was glaring at her, effectively shutting her before he snapped his fingers and all the ropes were untied.

"I am an angel of the Lord, what you just saw was a demon. I don't understand what's funny." His voice sounded angry as he wondered what he had missed.

"It's really hard to believe I'm worth saving." She whispered as she stood. Her limbs were shaky but she knew that was from her adrenaline crash. Her body seemed to be in good shape as she felt for any cuts or bruises that she might have to clean later.

"You are worth saving. The Lord has deemed it." He answered as if it was the most obvious thing he'd said all day.

"But why?" Lila knew she was asking too many questions but she had to know.

"You're going to save a lot of people, Lila. We need you around." She wondered what he meant by that but dropped it as he turned to leave her.

"Castiel wait," he turned slowly towards her with an expectant look on his face. "I just have to know. Is he alive?" She couldn't explain what gave her the feeling that he knew exactly who she was talking about. Maybe it was all the impossible things that had already happened to her or maybe she really was losing it, but she knew that he would know the answer.

Cas sighed as he walked towards her again. He laid a hand awkwardly on her shoulder, something Sam and Dean had told him was a good form of comfort before smiling gently.

"He is." She felt the air leave her lungs before he touched her forehead. When she opened her eyes she was back in her house, her dog barking at her sudden appearance.

Lila began walking towards her room before she fell to the ground sobbing. He lied to her. He was still alive and he lied to her. All of the years of sorrow were for naught.

She hated Dean Winchester.


	9. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where Dean finds himself in an awkward position.

Chapter 8  
2013

"Lila! We need you." She heard her attendee shout down the hall, Lila stood quickly and began running towards her voice. She knew that when Dayna hollered her name she better get there quick.

She had worked two sixteen hour shifts two days in a row, both of which were graveyards and she was tired. Even though she had a few precious hours to curl under her comforter and sleep some stresses away it still wasn't enough. She longed for the night to be over so she could finally fall into a deep sleep.

When she reached the ER she spotted Dayna and walked towards her. Lila knew tonight had been busier than most and it was keeping everyone on their toes. She didn't mind though, it wasn't her favorite to clean cuts and do sutures but at least she could do them unsupervised. 

"We just got a rush, there's a man behind curtain 4, he's knocked up real bad, a couple bullet wounds from what I've seen. I need you to take him," She said in a rush before turning her back looking over her shoulder. "Oh, and Lila? If you have questions don't come to me." She shouted before walking away with renewed vigor.

Lila rolled her eyes before grabbing the man's chart. Lynrd Cohen was in his early to mid thirties and had suffered from multiple lacerations, contusions, and gun shot wounds. She read up what little background information they could get before sliding the curtain aside and walking into the small area he was currently occupying. 

"Alright Mr. Cohen, let's see what we got here." She said before looking up from his chart and freezing. Dean sat on the edge of the bed, his body tense and covered in blood. He looked every bit of cool and confident that he did all those years ago. 

He at least had the decency to look shocked as he took her in. Truth was he never thought he'd see her again and the overwhelming want to hug her was only stopped by the absolute look of death she was shooting him right now. Damn she was hot.

"What are you doing here Dean?" She asked angrily as she walked over the sink and scrubbed her hands furiously before pulling on gloves. 

"Well I was shot, multiple times." He cringed, he hated hospitals.

"Obviously I know that dumb ass. What are you doing alive?" She glared as she put pressure on his shoulder, he followed suit and laid down with his arms behind his head.

"It's hard to explain." He answered lamely, not wanting to give her more information than she was comfortable with.

"Not really, you wanted a fuck out of me. You got one." She said crudely before sticking a needle under his skin near his bullet hole. He winced at the harsh way she described it, but he understood. If the roles were reversed he'd feel the exact same way.

"What are you giving me?" He asked panicked as he went to sit up, but the glare he received was enough to knock the wind out of him.

"It numbs your pain dumb ass." She spat before giving him a shot near all the cuts and bullet holes. He stared at her while she concentrated, her hair pulled back from her face, glasses sat square on her nose. All he had to do was move slightly closer and he would be able to kiss her, but he knew he lost that right a long time ago.

He watched quietly as she went to work. The steady rhythm that her hands made left him in a trance. Her pursed lips showing how concentrated she was on the task at hand. This was her expertise, where Dean had always been confident in his ability to gank monsters she was confident in her ability to save lives.

The long stretch of silence became unbearable. Lila was more than willing to sit quietly, but with Dean staring at her as she worked at getting the bullets out one by one she became uncomfortable. Sighing as she glanced up to glare towards him. The dark circles under his eyes and barely there five o clock shadow told her how exhausted he must be. 

"When were you planning on telling me?" She asked, voice laced with more anger than she had planned. 

Dean shrugged his shoulders. Truth was as long as his resolve lasted he wasn't going to tell her. She deserved a normal life and he knew without a doubt that she would never achieve that with him.

"I just wanted you to be safe." He answered quietly. Her hand stopped its work for only a fraction of a second before continuing. 

"It didn't help anything." She said in a harsh tone. Dean looked at her now confused by her admission.

"What does that mean?" He said, a feeling of panic swelling in the pit of his stomach.

"One of them took me while you were trying to make my life normal. Thank God someone came to help cause it sure as shit wasn't you," she heaved angrily before closing her eyes to try to collect herself. She took a deep breath before continuing. "You know Dean, you were so worried about not bringing me into this life, but just fucking knowing you has brought me into it. So don't give me your bull shit lies about dying, you could have just told me then that you were looking for a lay." She bit out before taking her gloves off and replacing them. 

Lila's face was red, her chest and neck flushed as well with anger as she threaded a needle and came back to his side. Dean stared at her dumb founded, fear griped him and squeezed his lungs, someone had attacked her. 

"Who did it? Who took you?" He asked his voice full of possessiveness.

"I don't know, a demon? What does it matter? You weren't there," She spat before starting the stitches."which reminds why the fuck are you here?" She knew that he could stitch himself, even if he couldn't Sam probably knew how to.

"Did it hurt you?" He asked, his voice full of anger. His body tensed up as he thought of what it might have done to her.

"No. Now why are you here?" She bit out.

"Someone dropped me off, not by my will believe me." He growled. The room went silent for a while, the only noise coming from outside the curtains. 

"How did you get out?" Dean asked after some time. Lila glanced up at him before shaking her head and looking back to her work.

"This guy, Castiel. Said he was an angel of the Lord." Lila noticed how rigid Dean's body went after she had mentioned the angel's name. She wondered absently if he'd heard it before.

"How long ago was that?" He asked in a worried voice.

"I don't know a year ago, I guess. Why do you even care Dean? You left a long time ago," she glared at him as she finished stitching up another wound. "And while we're on the subject, why do you always come waltzing in after you leave? It's like you love fucking me over!" She said angrily.

"I don't like fucking you over Lila. I didn't want to bring you back into this shit and it obviously didn't work," He threw his hands in the air with frustration. "Dammit Lila, I wanted to protect you." He sighed as she began laughing, clearly not listening to him.

"Do me a favor Dean, quit lying. There isn't one thing you could tell me that would make me hate you anymore than I already do." With that she tied off his last stitch and went storming out of the curtain.

For a second he considered chasing her down, explaining what had happened those years ago. He wanted to ask her how she was, if she had ever gotten married. Ultimately he knew he had no right to, though. He couldn't just keep walking into and out of her life. 

When the nurse came in to give him final instructions he caught a glimpse of Lila's profile. He barely listened as he focused on her, begging her to look at him just one last time. 

She never did though, they walked in opposite directions as the nurse led him out of the ER room. He didn't look back as he walked away. Determined that for once he was going to do right by her.


	10. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where Lila saves Cas.

Chapter 9  
Part 1

"Fuck!" Dean slammed his hand on the cheap table of the crappy motel they were currently staying in. He looked at Sam who was trying to spoon feed their pet angel Tylenol hoping that maybe it would cut the fever he was currently running. 

"One week Cas! You've been human one week and you're already hurt!" Dean stood and walked over to the bed, peering over the angel turned human and glaring. He couldn't help but blame himself. He let him run around on his own and he knew that he shouldn't have. 

"I'm sorry Dean." Cas said his voice deep with confusion as he stared up to Dean. The man looked like shit. The fact that he could still talk surprised Dean, his skin was sallow and hair plastered to his forehead by sweat. The shivering of his teeth making background music in the otherwise silent motel room.

"Just forget it Cas." Dean waved his hand and walked towards the door. He yanked it open and stepped into the fresh air, taking a deep breath. Looking around he noticed how eerily quiet the small town was. It was a Friday night but there was no one out, it was almost setting up the shorty turn the hunt had taken.

Dean wasn't really mad at him, he was worried. One of his best friends was laying on a bed with a huge gash that was steadily getting more infected no matter the amount cleaning they did. Cas was on the verge of death, and Dean couldn't quite wrap his mind around how he'd lived since the beginning of time but only made it one week as human. He wished more than anything in that moment that Cas hadn't fallen. He wasn't a praying man, but he would pray to God that the angel lived one more day.

Dean looked towards the door when he heard it shut. A concerned Sam came out running his hands through his hair. He watched as his brother punched the door behind him before taking two strides towards Dean. 

"I don't know what to do." He threw his hands in the air in frustration. Dean looked pensively at Sam, they both knew what was next.

"We can't fix him, I know that much." Dean sighed. Just thinking about the gash made him shiver. The angry red cut was refusing to heal, and with the putrid smell coming from it he'd considered putting Cas in a room of his own. 

"Dean, its real bad. I just wish.." Sam trailed off trying to think of a solution that didn't involve the hospital. Most people got suspicious of their names but never said anything, but when they threw Cas in the mix the questions came flowing and he always answered in truth. Always.

"Wish he could fucking mojo himself better!" Dean cried before kicking the air. He knew he looked like a child but there was no changing how he felt. He wanted a simple solution but there never was one for him. 

~

Lila looked down at her phone and frowned at the unknown number. She sat on her couch settling down to a take out meal. She had three days off and she planned on enjoying those by doing absolutely nothing. Her dog curled up next to her as she contemplated not answering the phone. 

She sighed as the many possibilities began running through her head. Someone could be sick and unable to go in or one of her patients could need her. Annoyed she picked the phone up and hit the answer button.

"Hello?" Her phone was balanced between her shoulder and ear as she began picking at pieces of chicken trying to find one small enough for her to eat while talking.

"Is this Dr. Lila Wallace?" The gruff voice on the end of the phone sounded shaken and she picked up a familiar tremble. The pain in the man's voice made Lila's ear prickle.

"This is her, how can help you?" She asked as she pulled the phone out again and frowned at the number. She couldn't even place the area code.

"This is Castiel." Lila dropped her fork on the ground. She knew her mouth was hanging open and that she undoubtedly looked stupid but she couldn't help it. She honestly found herself wondering if she had imagined him all those years ago. The angel had never turned up again and she never questioned until Dean had seemed so surprised she knew the name.

"Um," Lila cleared her throat and stood from the couch. "How are you?" She asked unsure of what to say.

"Not well. I need your help. I think I have what they call an infection? I just can't be sure." He trailed off momentarily distracted by something unknown.

"What kind of wound do you have?" She asked trying not to ask a million questions of the angel on the other line.

"It's a cut." He went on to mumble about how inconvenient this was but nothing loud enough for her to hear. Lila frowned as she tried to pick up what he was saying before deciding it was no use and moving the conversation along.

"Um, ok, if it's an odd color or you're running a fever you need to go to the hospital." She felt weird telling the man what to do. She also wondered why he didn't just heal himself, he had done it with her when he saved her. 

"I can't go to the hospital. I don't have the insurance." Castiel's voice was deadpan and for a moment Lila thought he was joking until she realized he was waiting for her to answer. 

"Uh, they'll still treat you Castiel. Look why do you need this anyways? Why aren't you healing yourself?" She asked trying to search for a solution for who's turning out to be the most literal person (thing?) she's ever met. She listened to him as he sighed, sounding thoroughly annoyed with having questions asked of him. 

"I can't heal myself Lila. I fell a week ago." Lila stood perplexed as she tried to understand what he meant. She didn't get why him falling would have anything to do with him being able to heal himself but she had a feeling he wouldn't be willing to explain.

"Ok," she paused and took a deep breath trying to think of how to help him. "Where are you at?" She asked getting ready to look through her contacts to see if any of them owed her a favor.

"Paris, Texas. If you could just talk to my friends and tell them what to do-" 

"I'll be there in forty. Text me your address." Lila hung up before he could answer. How he ended up so close to her was disconcerting but lucky, something she was running short on lately. 

Recently she had been transferred to intern at a new hospital because of staffing issues at the old one. She knew that sometimes that happened but had always hoped she could finish her internship out where it had started but the new one was fine. She had made a few friends and found a house to rent that allowed her dog. Life was good. 

As she ran through her home gathering medical supplies from her personal stash she wondered if whoever he was with had medicine. Presuming that they didn't she would just have to make due with what she had. Grabbing medicine that was leftover from old ailments, she threw everything in a large duffel bag. She stopped short at her cupboard and looked at the bottle of 100 proof moon shine her neighbor had given her as a welcome present.

"Better light this shit on fire." She murmured as she pulled on a jacket and walked out the front door, stopping only to lock up. Who needed a lazy weekend?

~

The knock on the door surprised Dean to say the least. Sam was the only person out and he definitely wouldn't have knocked to regain entry. So grabbing his gun he shot a look at Cas who had been surprisingly tight lipped for a while, his eyes were closed and face drawn in concentration. Dean shrugged his shoulders and went to the door cautiously. 

With his gun held behind his back, he opened the door only a sliver and peeked out. When he saw no one there he finished opening the door and looked outside. Who he saw was the last person he had expected. 

With her mouth hanging open Lila stood for a moment trying to remember to breath as she stared at Dean. How the hell he kept appearing in her life never ceased to annoy her. Before long the staring contest got awkward and remembered why she was there in the first place.

"I'm, uh, I'm here to help Castiel." Lila said as Dean assessed her with a confused face. 

"How did you know?" He asked perplexed. 

"I called her, please move Dean." Cas gasped from the bed reminding Dean that her showing up was a blessing. He knew his friend was in a great deal of pain and Lila would undoubtedly be able to fix him up.

Dean moved aside and Lila walked through the door with a duffel bag that looked heavy. As she walked over to Cas, she looked around the hotel room. He still preferred crappy motels if the 50s wall paper indicated anything. There were no books or computers out, no research being done, they must have just finished a hung. Once she reached the angel she laid her hand on his forehead before shaking her head and smiling at him. Just from watching her interactions with him Dean could tell she was in doctor mode. Her whole demeanor rippled with confidence as she began pulling items out of her duffel. 

"Shut the door please." She walked into the bathroom and began scrubbing her hands and arms throughly. Dean hadn't even noticed he was standing in the same spot with the door wide open. His face turned red as he kicked the door closed before walking up to Cas.

"What the hell Cas?" Dean whispered in an angry tone, trying not to tip Lila off to the fact that they were talking.

"She's a doctor. If I had known she would render you unable of speech I would have called someone else." He looked at Dean with concern. Although he was annoyed he knew he had right to be. Truth be told if he had though about it and his call were welcome, he would have called her himself. 

Dean glared at Cas as Lila entered the room and pulled on some gloves before starting to remove the bandaging. When she finally got a good look at the wound the frown on her face didn't bring any relief to the occupants. Ever the professional though, she smiled at Cas before asking him questions that had absolutely nothing to do with the gash while she removed the stitches Sam had done. 

"I'll get you fixed up." She said reassuringly before sending Dean to get her a room of her own. It was going to be a long night.


	11. Chapter 9

Chapter 9  
Part 2

Lila had just turned sixteen when her aunt showed up at her friend's house in the middle of the evening. The vivid memory of her aunt's tear stained face always burnt into the back of her mind. She remembered leaving the house, still not quite sure what was going on, and only making it half way to the car before demanding to know what was wrong. 

Lila collapsed when she finally heard the answer. 

The months that followed the wreck had been the most unbearable of her life. The sympathetic looks she received were always given half heartedly with a ring of pity. Lila hated pity.

She lived with her aunt after her parents' death. They fought almost as constantly as Lila and her mom had, but it was never the same. So at night when she was crying in her room before sleep finally out her out of misery, her aunt would sneak into her room and lie next to her. While Lila was wrapped safely in her arms she would sing Lila a song or tell her a story about her parents' youth until she fell asleep. It was in those moments that Lila knew she missed them just as much as she did.

When she went to college she had no idea what she wanted to do, so she took her generals all through her freshman year. It was towards the end that she received a call from home.

Her aunt had an inoperable brain tumor. It was what had been causing those migraines and dizzy spells lately, and she wanted to tell Lila when she first found out but she didn't want to ruin her first year of college. Lila felt like the rug had been pulled out from under her. 

Lila spent the last three months of her aunt's life by her side. Taking her to appointments, on trips to see the things she had never gotten a chance to, and holding her until she fell asleep. Lila cried silently every night once she had gone to sleep, not wanting to leave the side of the only person left who really knew her. 

Once she passed Lila was alone. She had no family or friends left, and though it took her four months after the funeral to leave she ended up running. Her aunt's house sold for what was left on the loan and the possessions inside were sold unless they had great sentimental value. Lila sat in the car, one of the few things she kept, for a few short moments staring at the last place she considered home before speeding out of the town and never returning. 

She traveled through different states and put a lot of miles on the car before she decided on a place to stay. It was there that Lila rented a room from a couple of other college students and went back to school. 

Lila elected pre med because she knew that somewhere out there she could help someone going through a similar situation as hers. She wanted to show people the same kindness and compassion that had been given to her aunt in her last few months. She wanted to save people.

She dedicated herself to school and buried her nose in the sand. Lila didn't have many friends and the ones that she did have were more along the lines of study partners. So she spent the better part of two years completely alone; until she met Dean.

The first night they met Lila was drunk off her ass. Finals were over and she felt the need to celebrate, he had been laying it on thick until he realized that she was past the point of being capable of saying anything without slurring and onto the point of crying. Dean took her home that night and put her to bed. 

Lila thought he had left, but instead she felt the bed dip and for a slight second she knew beyond a doubt that she had made the biggest mistake of her life. Instead of pushing her farther, though, he wrapped his arms around her. His body was fully clothed as he pulled her close and stroked her hair. She cried into his chest until she fell asleep.

Lila knew that dean wasn't one to jump into bed and snuggle with a person, especially one he had just barely met. It had always confused her as to why he had stayed, not that she didn't appreciate it or love him for it. She just always wondered why instead of going back to the bar he chose to stay with some crying lady he had barely met. 

She found herself laying in bed thinking of this when there was a knock at her room door. She knew it would come, had been expecting it from the minute he answered the door to the room Castiel was in. So when Lila stepped out of her bed and opened the door in her pajamas she wasn't surprised to find Dean on the other side. She knew it was him, it was always going to be him.

~

Dean walked into the room once Lila had moved to the side and turned towards her. He watched as she shut the door and bolted it before turning to face him. He knew he shouldn't have come here, he should have just let her be. She drove late at night to save Cas and now that she did he should have just left it, but it was never that easy when it came to Lila. 

She wrapped her arms around herself and stood in front of him, an expectant look across her face as she waited for him to talk, but he found himself incapable of saying a thing. Instead he stepped towards her and wrapped his arms around her. At first Lila was rigid and unresponsive, Dean couldn't blame her for that. He more than asked for this treatment, but he couldn't leave it like this. If tonight were the last night he would see her, the true ending to their story he didn't want it to end with her hating him. He couldn't handle the thought of it.

So instead of letting go quickly, he held on. Dean rubbed one of his hands up and down her back, trying to relax her. Soon he felt her rigid body begin to relax as she laid her head on his shoulder; and this was right. It felt right, he felt whole in a way that he hadn't for a long time. He buried his nose in her hair and whispered apologies in her ear.

"You hurt me. Again." She whispered, and though it was muffled against his shirt he could hear the pain etched in her voice. Dean closed his eyes and let a tear slide down as he pulled her impossibly closer and buried a hand in her hair, holding her to him. 

"I'm so so sorry Lila," He whispered back, trying hard to control the emotion in his voice as he thought of what to say. He wanted to tell her how he felt, tell her about how he wished it was her he got to spend every day with. He wanted to wake up to her smile, cook her breakfast and fix her car whenever something was wrong with it, he wanted to annoy her with his choice of music and take her out and show her off for the whole world to see. He wanted to protect her, defend her, and take care of her but they both knew that would never happen. "I'm sorry for everything. You don't deserve this." 

"But I love you." Her voice so broken with tears that Dean felt a tear trickle down his face as he sighed in defeat. He wished that that statement was all it would take to make the world right, but he knew how things ended for him and they were never meant to be happy.

"I don't deserve you Lila. I can't make you happy." His voice resigned with defeat, and not for the first time Dean felt a flare of anger as he thought of all the people he and Sammy had saved, everything good they had tried to do, and yet good never came to them. 

"I'm happy right now," He looked at her with suspicion etched over his face and she just smiled. Lila reached her hand up and rested it on his cheek, and watched as he closed his eyes with a look of content flashing across his face. "Just be happy with me in this moment. Just forget it all and be with me tonight." She pleaded with him. 

Lila watched as the emotions played across Dean's face, until finally a look of peace won over. He slowly bent his head and touched his lips to hers. It wasn't a hurried kiss, there was no need to rush. So when they finally did make it to the bed it was slow and steady. Their heavy breath filled the room as they moved in time with each other. The rhythm they had always danced remembered easily.

Their skin was hot to each other's touch as they relearned the bodies they used to know so well. The only thing heard were the few reverent words that slipped out of their lips and each other's names being praised. Their limbs entangled as they sought pleasure for one another and when he did come crashing down to earth Dean chanted her name with such love that she followed him close behind.


	12. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

Lila sat looking at the man across from her. He was smart, handsome, her age, and emotionally available. He could talk to her about all things that most adults found stimulating; politics, travel, and work. He lived within city limits and worked a nine to five as the town's most reputable lawyer. She knew without a doubt that they could live very comfortably with each other, she would be able to have children without having to worry about whether or not their dad would come home any time soon. He would take her to galas and introduce her to his wealthy clients while he smiled at his prize wife who played doctor by day and housewife by night. 

She had been debating these things since the night she stitched Cas up. When she woke up in the morning with Dean holding her against him protectively she felt like she was back where she belonged. She hated herself for it. How she could even look at him after everything that happened between them was unimaginable, but the fact that she still loved him? That was pathetic in her eyes. 

Yet here she was, on a date with a perfectly respectable man and all she could think about was checking her phone to see if Dean had texted her. That's how it was lately, it had been four months since Cas called her and Dean still contacted her daily. This time they weren't under the illusion that they were only speaking as friends; neither were stupid enough to think that would work, but they definitely weren't in a relationship so to speak. 

Lila thought about those days when she was young and didn't mind him being gone for weeks on end. She had always been so in love with him that he was worth the wait; part of her still wanted to, but the rational part told her no. She was in her early thirties and she wasn't getting any younger and neither was he. There would be no change no matter how long she waited for him to step up. 

She looked up at her date and smiled. Could she be the sensible wife? Would she even want to give it a try? Lila knew she wouldn't even know the first step to trying for a healthy normal relationship; her last one had been Weston and that had gone down in flames. It worked out better for him, he ended up marrying a mutual friend and having two children who, according to the mrs, are young prodigies. 

"Lila?" She focused her eyes on Caleb as he looked at her dejectedly. She wasn't as good at hiding her day dreams as she thought.

"Um yeah." Lila answered sheepishly, trying to act as though she had been listening all along. By the look of Caleb's face she hadn't done such a good job. 

"Look, I know you have a lot on your mind, but Lila this is our third date. You've given me nothing to go on," Caleb sighed and rubbed his forehead in frustration. "I like you Lila, and I mean I like you a lot, but I need something. I need you to give a little." Lila found herself reaching out across the table and grabbing his hand. She ran her thumb over his knuckles and looked in his eyes, this reaction wasn't something she had expected from herself. The shocked look on Caleb's face must have mirrored her own.

"I'm sorry Caleb. I know I've been spacey and it's unfair to you." She said quietly as she continued fiddling with his knuckles. Lila kept her eyes on the table as she waited for his answer.

"Hey," He wrapped both his hands around her one and waited until she looked him in the eyes. When she finally did peer up Lila saw understanding instead of annoyance which confused her even more. "I know you have a lot going on right now, but when is there ever a time when you're not busy? All I'm asking Lila is to let me in, that is if you want to." He ended on an uncertain note and Lila found herself smiling at him. 

"I do. I would love to Caleb." His answering smile was so childish Lila couldn't help but laugh. 

She found herself immersed in conversation for the rest of their date. It turned out she had quite a bit in common with the man she hadn't been paying attention to and by the end of the night he had already asked her to go camping with him in two weeks. Lila once again shocked herself by not even hesitating to answer yes. 

When he walked her to the front door he kissed her forehead and smiled sheepishly before walking back to his car and waiting for her to get inside. Lila waved foolishly from the front door before turning towards the kitchen and stopping in her tracks. 

In the middle of the kitchen stood Dean with a beer in his hand and a hurt look on his face. Lila had told him where she hid her spare key in case he was ever in town and she was working. She could tell by the look on his face he was no longer under the impression she had been working and had probably seen Caleb kiss her forehead.

"I, uh, I texted you. Then I called, before figuring you were with a patient." He said, avoiding her eyes. The hard look in his eyes made Lila nervous, though she knew he would never hurt her. 

"Dean I-" He waved a hand before she could finish her sentence and cut her off with his words.

"You don't have to explain anything to me Lila, I get it. Really I do." He tipped his beer to his lips and chugged before shooting it into the trash and walking back to the fridge. 

"Where's your car?" Lila asked dumbly. She hadn't seen the Impala anywhere, surely she would have noticed. 

"Had Sam drop me off. We're just stopping for the night. Heading home tomorrow." He answered shortly before opening another beer.

"Dean I don't know what to say." Lila moved towards him slowly, his body stiffened as he leaned against the counter with his arms crossing his chest.

"There's nothing to say Lila, you went on a date. You're allowed to do that. It's not like we're exclusive here. You don't answer to me." Lila frowned before she took a deep breath and shook her head.

"Don't be like that Dean, please." She pleaded as she got closer to him. He continued to glare at her before slapping the counter and closing his eyes.

"I'm not being like anything Lila. Just stating the facts. You can date and fuck whoever you want. It's not like we put a name to whatever the hell we have." He waved his hand between them. Lila pinched the bridge of her nose trying to relieve the head ache she already felt coming on.

"I mean, you tell a guy you love him and he would think there may be some expectations with that, but fuck if I know right? I mean I've never been one for relationships and the only real one I've ever really had ended with an angel wiping her memory." Dean stated trying to hit where it would hurt her the most, and he knew he had. 

"Fuck you Dean." Lila whispered her voice shaking with a lethal combination of anger and hurt. She glared at him as he took another drink from his bottle.

"Hmm? What did I say Lila?" He looked at her with wide innocent eyes. Lila threw her hands in the air and stormed out of the kitchen down the hall. 

Dean heard the slam of her door and scoffed. He was the one who got welcomed by some other guy kissing her, maybe it was just on the forehead but he saw the intent in the fuckers eyes. The guy was lucky Dean didn't rush the door and kill him, lord knows he wanted to. 

Dean threw his bottle away and ran his hands through his hair. Lila was so frustrating, he never knew what she wanted. One minute she hates him the next she loves him, she's fine with where their at for a few months before she starts dating others without even giving him a chance. 

"Fuck this." Dean said before walking down the hall and pounding on Lila's bedroom door. 

Lila stared at the door with disbelief as she tried to wrap her mind around Dean's reaction. She wasn't quite sure how to take it but she knew one thing; she was mad. Standing up quickly she yanked the door and glared at Dean.

"What?" She spat. Dean had the decency to look surprised at the amount of venom in her eyes before smiling a cocky grin at her. He leaned down towards her ear, so close she could feel his breath on her skin.

"When you go home with him at night do you imagine it's me, hmm?" He nipped at her lobe before she turned her head quickly and bit her lip. He laughed before grabbing her chin and making her look at him.

"Does he make you scream his name baby? Or is it my dick you're thinking of," Dean bit her bottom lip and squeezed her ass with his empty hand. He sucked in a quick breath as ground his hips into hers. "Oh I know this body is mine. You won't let him touch what the fuck is mine will you?" He growled as he licked her neck.

"Please stop," She whispered, and it suddenly hit Dean as she looked up at him her eyes filled with tears. He let go of her so quickly it seemed he got burned and looked at the floor. "You're right, Dean, I've never gone home with him but if I did I'm sure somehow my mind would wander to you because that's how fucked I am! I love you so much but I fucking hate you too!" Lila trembled as she tried to reign in her emotions. 

"Don't say that," Dean glared at her as he regained his composure. "Not you, I can't hear you say that." He begged.

"That I hate you? Dean look at me, I'm a mess. I think I want a normal life, I want kids and a husband to come home to at night but every time I think of something like that your face is the one that I see. I have wasted so many years thinking that somehow you and I could work when we so clearly won't." Lila sobbed and closed her eyes before she felt two strong arms wrap around her. She buried her face into his chest and hid from the green eyes peering down at her.

"What's saying we can't?" Dean muttered under his breath. Lila frowned at the petulance in his voice and laughed.

"Everything, Dean, everything says we can't work. How many times have you died since I've known you? How many fucking monsters have come after because of who you are? Hell Dean, I've had a demon take me! You and I both know I'm lucky it's only happened once." Dean sighed and buried his nose in her hair. 

"Why don't you just come out with it Doll Face." He said mournfully as he pulled her closer wanting to soak up all the comfort he could from her in what he could tell would be his last moments with her for a while. 

Lila stood wrapped in his arms and felt the tears start to fall. Was she really going to give up on the man she loved? The battle between her head and her heart played out as Dean waited for her to make the decision that would change everything. 

Unable to resist, Dean placed two fingers under her chin and lifted her head up. In the depth of her wide eyes he saw the answer. He smiled defeatedly at her and wiped away the tears that were on her cheeks.

"I'm so sorry Dean, I just can't do it anymore." She whispered before a gut wrenching sob tore through her chest. Dean grabbed the back of her head and pulled her into his chest.

"Hey now, shhh. It's ok Lila." Dean whispered even as he realized that nothing was ok. He always knew that when she walked it would over. When she finally broke and had enough there would be no more second chances.

"I want you so bad it hurts, but it's not enough." Lila sobbed. 

"I know, it's ok baby." 

~

Lila stripped her clothes off and pulled an over sized t shirt on before turning to see Dean laying under the covers of her bed. He smiled sadly at her as he threw the blankets back and waited for her to join him.

Once she was laying down he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her as close as he could get her. Lila rested one arm on the pillow just above his head while her other played with his hair. 

They stared at each other for what felt like forever before Dean inched his face closer and claimed her lips. He held his breath as he waited for her to respond. Before long Lila's lips were moving against his and he started to explore her mouth with his tongue. 

It never progressed farther than the passionate kisses they shared, and after a while Dean found himself humming classic rock to Lila as she fell asleep. He watched as her face went from pained to relaxed and couldn't help the stab of panic he felt.

What the fuck was he supposed to do now? Move on? How was he supposed to move on from the girl he'd loved for over ten years now? How was he supposed to get over 

Dean watched as she slept, thinking where their futures would take them now. Frowning he realized that their relationship truly had come full circle. The first night he met Lila Wallace he chose to hold her while she slept instead of leaving. Little did he know then that she would become the love of his life.

~

In the morning when Sam picked him up, Dean kissed Lila passionately before telling her he loved her and always would. Lila cried again as she told him to call if he ever needed anything. They both knew he wouldn't.

The first months without her he was numb. Dean went through motions as he tried blocking out the feeling of loss. He slept. He drank. He hunted. 

After a while he got pissed. He wondered why the hell she would leave him high and dry. He wanted to know if she was still dating that dumb ass that brought her home all those months ago, and if she was why the fuck was she? He snapped at the drop of a dime and yelled most of the time.

Then he bottled it up.


	13. Chapter 11

Chapter 11  
4 Years Later

Dean sighed as he looked at the bottle of bourbon laying on the ground almost fully drank. He knew he was going to have hell to pay in the morning but he couldn't find it in himself to care right now. Leaning over the side of his bed he blindly patted the ground for the stupid bottle of water Sam had stupidly put on the floor in case he needed it. 

He scoffed at the thought of Sam. His little brother telling him he had enough and it was time to go. Bitch. 

Dean felt the plastic of the bottle and snatched it up. Opening it quickly he tilted it up to his lips and began chugging the contents. If he were being honest he hadn't been this drunk in a long time and he wasn't quite sure what drove him to drinking to this extent, but it must have been good. 

The ringing of his phone caught his attention as he leaned over to grab it from the floor, only this time he leaned a little too fast. He fell to the ground with a grunt. Deciding it was best not to attempt to stand he instead rolled onto his back and looked up at the ceiling. 

He was so lost. 

With a sinking disbelief he realized he was at a point in his life where he had no clue what to do. He was searching everywhere for the answer and nothing was pointing him in the right direction. It was always about the next big bad, what were he and Sammy going to fight next? Which one of them would die and come back again? He was so tired. He just wanted it to be over.

Gasping for air he wondered if he was dying. His heart was constricting and it felt like a heavy weight sat on his chest holding him down. He was either dying or having a panic attack and Dean Winchester didn't do panic attacks. They were for wimps. 

Needing something to do he felt around for his phone and finally found it. Grabbing it he held it at arms length straight above his head praying that he didn't accidentally drop it.

Before long he found himself scrolling through his contacts and contemplating how mad someone would get if he called them at this time. He laughed at the thought of drunk dialing Cas, guy wouldn't even know what to do. 

His breath caught when he saw her name. It had been four years. Four years since he'd last had contact with her. Four years since she left him. It was so long ago but it seemed like just yesterday he sat in the passenger seat watching her as she stood in doorway staring at him sadly. Her eyes haunted him, the deep sorrow in them unlike anything he had ever seen on her before. 

Without thinking twice he went to send her a message, in a drunken stupor he effectively put an end to the silence that stretched between the two. Not knowing if she'd answer and not really caring either he typed out the message he felt he should have told her so long ago. 

I need you, Lila. I always have. 

It was simple and to the point, and even though in the morning he would wish he could have said something more meaningful, the statement was enough to bring her back to him. Later he would ask himself if that was really such a good thing. Obviously it was great for him, but he always seemed to screw her over somehow.

That night, though, he wouldn't think about it. Dean would slowly peel himself off the floor and go back under the covers of his bed falling into a restless sleep. 

He didn't know that while he was sleeping Lila was running rounds at the local ER less than an hour from where the bunker was. It would be three hours before she opened her locker and grabbed her phone before pouring herself a large cup of coffee in the break room. Lila would sit on a mildly comfortable sofa before sighing and taking a sip of coffee. 

She would check her phone for a call from the adoption agency but instead be greeted by a text from Dean; who she hadn't heard from in four years. The words gave her great unease as she sat wondering if she should call, text, or ignore him. The logical part of her said to ignore him but then again her logic worked so rarely when it came to Dean. 

So as Dean was sleeping away what little he could of his morning hangover Lila got in her car when her shift was finally over three hours later and drove to the bunker.


	14. Chapter 12

Chapter 12

Sam walked towards the door slowly, his gun aimed outwards ready to shoot whoever may be on the other side. Generally speaking he and Dean didn't have many visitors and when they did have them they never knocked. Or used the door. 

When he got to the door he grabbed the handle carefully and stood back as he turned the knob. He had his foot against it in case whoever was waiting tried to push their way in. Peeking his head out slowly with his gun now outside the door he came face to face with a dark haired woman who looked utterly annoyed and unsurprised. Her hands were in front of her in the universal way of saying she wasn't armed and she had her eyebrow slightly cocked as she waited for Sam to lower his gun.

"Is this how you guys greet everyone or just me?" She asked, her voice sounding only slightly annoyed as she looked up towards him. Sam was so taken off guard by her lack of fear that he simply stared at her, his gun still directly aimed at her before she cleared her throat.

"Oh um, yeah," Sam hurriedly tucked his gun into the waist of his jeans before smiling at her. Through the few glimpses of her he'd seen in the past he knew this was the woman Dean had never told him about. She was the only part of himself he kept from Sam. "I mean no. It's not just you." He shrugged, still effectively blocking her from coming inside. 

"Sam, can I come in?" She asked him easily. He was struck by how unfazed she seemed at him. Sam was used to his size easily intimidating people but not her. He smiled uncomfortably before pulling a vial out of his pocket.

"Just give me one second." He held his finger indicating for her to wait before taking the top to the vial off and flicking the contents in her direction. 

Sam watched as she jumped in shock and then glared at him. He knew that she would be pissed but he had to know that she wasn't a demon and that was just the start. After he let her in he asked her if she wanted coffee, accepting the offer she followed him into the kitchen where he poured her a cup and grabbed creamed out of the fridge.

He grabbed a silver spoon and tossed it to her, watching anxiously as she easily caught it and stirred her coffee. He then took a small handful of salt and threw it over his shoulder at her. 

"Good luck." He shrugged as she glared at him. 

"I'm not a monster Sam. You could have just asked me to show you instead of trying to hide these stupid ass tests," she took a drink of her coffee before tossing the spoon back to him. "Here's your silver." She rolled her eyes and walked out of the room. 

Sam stared suspiciously after her, wondering just how much about their lives she knew. He had seen her a few times before always from a distance, but Dean had never talked about her. She'd obviously been taught about the life and he knew she was the one who ultimately came to Cas's aid when both he and Dean thought the angel was going to die. Cas even seemed to know her from before that night.

Ultimately Sam came to the conclusion that it was just him who'd never actually spoke to her before. He'd never had the opportunity, until now. 

A shrill phone rang out and Sam found himself popping his head out of the kitchen and going towards the sound. He rounded the corner and saw her just as she brought the phone up to her ear. 

"This is Dr. Wallace," she answered, her voice very professional as she listened carefully to what was being said. Sam studied the way she nodded her head along with the conversation. "Yes that's right.... No you can't prescribe that... Have you read the damn charts Bleaker? You can't prescribe those along with his anti anxiety meds.... Yeah, you go ahead and figure something else out, bye." She hung up her phone and sighed as she sat down in a chair near her. 

"Work?" Sam asked dumbly. Obviously it was work, but he had nothing else to say. She looked up and gave him a small smile.

"Yeah. I can never seem to get away from it." She frowned at the phone before dialing a number and waiting patiently for an answer. Sam watched intrigued by the hard set in her face. 

"Hey Jones, it's Wallace. Listen I need you to do me a favor, take Bleaker off of Conway and assign him something else until I get back, fuckers going to kill my favorite patient.... Yeah, took some time off.... I know, it was spur of the moment but what can you do. Listen I have to go.... You too Jones, see you around." She smiled as she looked up towards Sam and set her phone down.

"So you're the famous Sam?" He frowned as he walked over and sat down across the table from her. 

"I guess, and you are?" Sam winced at the lack of tact but she just smiled at him.

"It's alright, I know your brother doesn't talk about me. I'm Lila, a friend of Dean's." She stuck her hand out and Sam grabbed it from across the table. He was surprised at the amount of strength she put behind her shake.

"You're brother told me I shook hands like a 'prissy bitch' when we first met so that obviously meant he had to spend an hour showing me how to properly grip a hand." She smirked at the memory. 

"I know who you are, I mean kind of. I've seen you, he just never told me about you." He frowned wondering why Dean had always gone to such lengths to keep her hidden.

"Yeah, that's understandable. He and I have never had a 'normal relationship.'" She air quoted and Sam found himself smirking at her. 

"Define normal." He scoffed. 

"Well I think your normal and my normal are a little different." Lila smiled at Sam, it was then that he noticed the recognition in her eyes. She looked at him sadly, like an old teacher who thought he had so much potential only to become some average joe blow. He wondered how much she knew about him, how often had Dean talked about him to her?

"What are you doing here Lila?" He asked, trying to change the subject before she began pitying him. 

"Dean sent me a message last night. Said he needed me. What's going on Sam? We haven't talked in four years, he wouldn't contact me unless it's important." She asked, worry defining her face as she thought of Sam's older brother. Sam tapped his hand against the table as he tried to think of what would have driven Dean to send her that message. He shook his head and scratched at his jaw.

"I don't know Lila, we've been dealing with a bunch shit. Kinda hard to say which one pushed him over the edge." Sam scratched his head and shrugged.

"What exactly have you guys been dealing with?" Almost on cue they heard a large groan come from the bathroom and Sam smiled sheepishly at Lila.

"How about I let Dean tell you." And with that the Sam stood and went to find his brother, excitement and apprehension rolling off him in waves. He was hoping that she would be able to pull Dean out of his funk because he needed his big brother back.


	15. Chapter 13

Chapter 13

Lila heard him talking with Sam as they made their way towards the room she was in. She suddenly felt nauseous, what if this was a mistake? What if in a drunken stupor he sent her that message and he didn't really need her to be there? He didn't even ask her to come, just said that he 'needed her.' What the hell did that even mean? The panic settled deep in her gut and she found herself incapable of turning to face him, even though every part of her screamed to look. 

She could feel him getting closer, hear his light breaths as he moved around the table, and when he finally came into view he seemed frozen in place. He stared at her, his mouth slightly open as she fidgeted under his gaze. She nervously wrung her hands and looked anywhere but him, she was sure that when she saw his face he would look annoyed and confused. 

Lila had spent the past four years going out with the few friends she made once she became established, going on blind dates that almost always ended with her drinking a bottle of wine to herself, and becoming a prominent family care provider in her area. She traveled when she could and renovated her house when she had the time. 

She found herself.

It was during those years she remembered how strong she once was and realized that she could be that strong again, she just had to give herself a chance. Late at night Lila would think to herself that she would never find love again, but when she woke in the morning she found that she truly didn't care. When she was willing to admit it she knew a long time ago that Dean was it for her and that was ok. 

On rare occasion she would wallow in her memories of him, but only when she was feeling particularly self loathsome. It's why it amazed her that she found herself avoiding his gaze now. It amazed her that she got into her car and drove to him. What was it that drew her to him? She went four years without seeing or speaking with him so why now, in the middle of all the good things happening did she feel the need to see him?

She had spent all of ten minutes debating whether or not she wanted to take the vacation she had been building up and leaving town. She thought she must be a glutton for punishment. She just kept coming back for more.

Lost in deep thought Lila paid no attention to the legs that suddenly appeared at her side. Only when two fingers gently lifted her chin did she startle out of her reverie. The fingers brought her face to face with the green eyes she had spent the better part of her adult life studying. It felt as though there was a heavy weight on her chest and try as she might she could lift it off. 

Lila watched as his eyes began swimming and moving quickly to take in her face. She noticed his throat bobbing up and down as he swallowed loudly. Dean's mouth hung just slightly open and she could feel his warm breath as it hit her cheek from where he stood. 

Lila took his face in as he stood in front of her fighting for whatever words he could form. She noticed the laugh lines and the crow's feet that had appeared over the last four years. If she could move she would smile, the young Dean would have balked at the small wrinkles. His freckles still speckled his face in a mesmerizing pattern and his hair was just a little longer than she was used to.

He was every bit as beautiful as she remembered. 

~

Whatever stupid idea crawled into his head and planted itself in his drunken stupor was a God send. 

He felt like his heart had been ripped out and crushed while simultaneously being protected and comforted at the same time. Why the fuck she still cared enough to come find him was beyond Dean's knowledge but he didn't care. He was never one to look a gift horse in the mouth.

Staring at her big brown eyes as they peered up at him from her seated position he saw his home, his solace, his everything. He kept his fingers on her chin afraid that if he let go even just for a second she would disappear. Dean felt a huge lump grow in his throat as he tried to say something, anything just to hear her voice. 

"Lila." He choked out before dropping to his knees and wrapping his arms around her waist. Knelt before her, Dean pulled her to the edge of her chair and buried his face in her stomach. He stayed there as he tried to claim his wits, unable to show her the tears he was genuinely crying. He kept his face hidden but his arms still tight around her.

She was stiff at first, surprised by his sudden embrace. It was only after long moments of silent awkwardness that Dean felt her hands move to touch him. They came around his neck awkwardly, grabbing him in an embrace that he otherwise would have complained about, but right now he didn't care. Right now he didn't give a fuck how she touched just that he wanted her to. 

They stayed in the embrace for a long while before Lila began running her fingers through his hair. He found himself choking again as he leaned into her hand, taking every ounce of comfort she had to give. She gently pulled his hair back trying to get him to look at her. He resisted at first, feeling every bit as childish as he was acting, before finally giving in and tilting his head up slowly and unfolding his body. 

When he stretched completely out he came face to face with the one woman who had always been able to take his breath away. Dean searched her eyes for the answers to his question but found just as many questions in hers. 

Without hesitation he leaned in and placed a gentle kiss on her forehead. Lila closed her eyes and tilted her head up much to Dean's surprise. Unable to say no, he kissed her softly on the lips before leaning back and sighing.

He felt like he had just run a fucking marathon. All of his emotions showing on his sleeve and through his eyes as Lila leant forward and placed her hand under his chin, her thumb rubbing circles on his jaw. It was then then that Dean noticed Sam had left the room. Probably left during the first show of affection, he shrugged inwardly realizing he didn't give two shits.

Lila smiled at him. It was tentative and unsure, but she smiled and who was Dean to deny returning one. He grabbed her wrist and held her hand in place on his face, sighing once more with contentment. Her smile grew just a bit wider as she leaned forward and pecked his lips.

"Hiya Dean."


	16. Chapter 14

Chapter 14

Dean watched Lila closely as she sat down and took a drink of her coffee. Although he chose to sit across the table from her, he kept a firm hold on one of her hands. As he stroked his thumb back and forth across her knuckles he tried to ignore the feeling that all was right, that the bunker is where Lila always belonged or more accurately with him.

"I can't believe you're here." He whispered gruffly trying and failing to hide the emotion laced in his voice. 

"Honestly, I'm a little surprised myself." Lila answered. She watched as Dean shrugged his shoulders and looked at her.

"Can't say I blame you. Last time we saw each other was... hard." Dean trailed off as he tried to think of anything else to say. He wanted desperately to change the subject.

"Dean, about that-" 

"You don't have to explain anything, Lila. Really I get it." This wasn't what he wanted to talk about after not seeing her for so long. 

"I know you get it, but," Dean sighed as he remembered the stubbornness he had always found as an amusing quality of hers. "I have to say something. I shouldn't have told you I hate you because I don't." Lila avoided looking at Dean's face and instead found great interest in the color of the table. 

"Hey, Lila," Dean squeezed her hand trying to get her to look up at him. When her dark eyes met his again he took a breath and continued. "I know you don't. I don't hate you either. You're my only-" He swallowed tying to figure out how to ask her forgiveness for what had happened so long ago.

"I know." Dean looked up surprised at the peaceful smile on Lila's face.

~

"So have you become the head honcho yet?" Dean asked as he set the plate of hamburger patties down on the counter and began fixing up the buns. Sam had returned, albeit nervously, after an hour or so to the two of them staring at each other like idiots. Something for which he immediately began making fun of Dean and Lila for.

She got along with Sam just as well as he always thought she would. Dean found himself smiling at how easily they began talking about stuff he had never pretended to have an interest in. 

"Oh no, definitely not. It takes way too much commitment for my future plans." Lila shrugged as she took a drink of the beer Dean had handed her. He looked up at her and frowned wondering what she meant.

"I thought that's what you wanted though?" He asked curiously. She smiled before shaking her head.

"Guess my plans changed," Lila answered simply shrugging her shoulders. "I don't know, I'm respected in my town and I think that's enough for me, for now at least." She smiled at Dean as he handed her a plate.

As the day went on Dean found himself thinking about how novel this idea was, having Lila be here. She walked around the library touching the ancient tomes with awe as he leaned in the door frame and smiled at her excitement. He showed her the different artifacts that were kept in the bunker and when it came time to cook she followed him into the kitchen insisting that she needed to make a salad to go along with whatever pasta thing he tried to throw together. It was as easy as it had always been between them.

When it came close to night fall he asked her to stay. She obliged without hesitation. Dean set her up in a room across the hall and a couple doors down from his own. When he kissed her goodnight on the forehead and went to lay in his bed all he could think about was the fact that she was right there. He wanted so badly to go to her and hold her but he couldn't find the courage to do it.

So when Lila silently came into his room an hour later and laid her head on his shoulder he sighed and pulled her into him. For a while they listened to each other's breathing, enjoying the feel of being where they belong. Dean tangled his fingers in her wild hair and smiled at the ceiling. 

"You know it always felt good having you in my arms." He mumbled, Lila shifted and smiled at him. 

"Like having someone to protect Winchester?" 

"I like protecting you." He answered simply. Dean could see Lila's face turn red from blushing and he grinned. Flashes of innocence still showed when speaking with her and they made him happy. 

"Lila I, um, I'm so sorry for how things went," Dean sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose with his free hand. Lila took a deep breath but before she could say anything he cut her off. "You need to know this, I need you to know this." He said gruffly before taking another deep breath.

"Lila I didn't go to you because I couldn't, not again. When I came back I just, I couldn't do that to you. I couldn't explain what had happened, didn't want to honestly. I didn't want you to think I came to you that night for a good time. Then all the shit started happening and I just couldn't bring it into your life."

"It was so bad Lila. It was fucked up and I had to protect you from that. When the apocalypse started I wanted to run to you, I wanted to hold you and play dumb to what was going on but I couldn't. Just thinking about involving you in that- there was no way I could." Dean instinctively pulled her in closer. Though he knew somewhere in the back of his mind that he was holding her too tight Lila didn't say anything. Instead she absently drew circles on his stomach as he continued talking.

"When Sam died... I uh, I went to Lisa because I knew without a doubt that if I showed up on your door step you would kill me, and you had every right to. Fuck Lila, I was so selfish coming to you that night. You and Weston seemed so happy and I just... I ruined it for you. I couldn't ruin you again." He trailed off with a whisper. The silence filled the room only momentarily before Dean continued.

"I had Cas wipe their memory you know? After I asked him to I wondered why I couldn't ask him to do the same with you. I couldn't- still can't bear the idea of you not knowing who I am. I've always been selfish when it comes to you Lila. The thought of you seeing me as just some stranger kills me." Dean's voice broke as he tried to gain control of his breathing. Lila reached up and began wiping the tears away that he had been silently spilling. He leaned into her touch and closed his eyes.

"I need you to know me, Lila," He whispered. "I need you to love me." Lila moved up his body and smiled gently at him before catching his lips with hers. Dean sighed at the soft feel of her lips. Her hand went to his hair gently pulling at it as she moved her lips in sync with his. It was a gentle kiss, there was no rush, no need to push themselves to the limit. 

"I do love you Dean. I always have." Lila said quietly when they broke away. Dean closed his and took a deep breath. To hear her say those words felt like nothing he'd ever experienced before. He knew she had said them many times before tonight but the way she said it with no hesitation, like it was absolute. It felt like redemption.

"And I know Dean, I know you love me too. You don't have to say it." She whispered before kissing his forehead and snuggling back down into his side. 

"Dean?" She whispered after another moment of silence. Dean looked down at her and smiled.

"Yeah?"

"What are you facing this time?" The room grew quiet as she waited for an answer. He knew what she meant, it was true that he and Sammy were on the trail of something life ending and he knew the life would be his, but he didn't want to think about it, not now at least.

"Tomorrow? I just want to hold you now." He watched and hoped that Lila would be willing to wait. When she finally nodded her head she smiled at him and threw arm across his chest.

"Yeah, that's fine." Lila answered as she ran her fingers through his hair. Within minutes she dropped her eye lids heavily and fell asleep.   
Dean watched her, his arm still pulling her in tight until he finally fell into the deepest sleep he'd had in a while.


	17. Chapter 15

Chapter 15

"So basically what you're saying is we have to find the replacement?" Dean rubbed his eyes and groaned. 

"No, we don't do anything, they just sort of come together." Cas shrugged and stood from his chair. Dean stared at his retreating back before calling out after him.

"Wait a minute, so you're saying all this shit going on around us and we have to wait for them to find each other?" 

"Dean is right Cas, I mean the earthquake in California was insane, not to mention the floods, fires, and other stuff around the world." Sam said trying to gain some levity on the situation. It was during this time that Lila came walking around the corner with a cup of coffee in her hand. At the sight of Cas she stopped short but then smiled big before setting her mug down and giving him a hug.

"Hey Cas." She smiled warmly before turning back to the table and sitting next to Dean. 

"Hello Lila," Cas looked away from her and at Sam with a questioning look on his face. "When did she get here?" Dean groaned before draping an arm across the back of Lila's chair.

"Excuse his lack of people skills. She got here yesterday Cas." Dean answered. Cas nodded his head and walked back to the table before continuing their conversation.

"It doesn't matter what's happening, there's nothing any of us can do to stop it. They have to see each other, only then can the daughter take the mother's place. Judging by what's been going on it should happen soon." Sam sighed before tapping his hand on the table.

"Well that's just peachy. Tell me again why we can't kill her?" 

"She's not a monster, Sam. She's not an ancient god, angel, or demon. She just is. Always has been and if you take her out another will take her place. She has to be here, the world would collapse without her." Cas said matter of factly.

"Wait who are you talking about?" Lila asked before Cas sighed and turned to face her.

"Her proper name is Gaea, but you call her Mother Nature." Cas said before retreating from the room. Dean sat up and faced Lila with a smile.

"Yeah apparently she doesn't live forever. A new one takes over every thousand years or so." Dean shrugged his shoulders and took a piece of bacon off a plate on the table.

"Is this what you've been fighting?" Lila asked curiously.

"Guess so, I just wish there was something we could do." Dean leaned forward and rubbed his forehead in frustration. If there was no way to stop this then what were they supposed to do? How was he supposed to sit back and watch as this lady causes more natural disasters because she's tired? 

"I'm going to look into the lore. There has to be something we can do." Sam said as he stood and made his way to the records room. 

The room was suddenly quiet as Dean sat trying to figure out what his next step was going to be. Could they kill Mother Nature? They killed Death and surely he was more of a challenge than this lady. Dean just couldn't shake the feeling that whatever they were walking in on wasn't going to be good. 

As if the natural disasters weren't bad enough the monsters were going crazy too. Vampires eating people taking shelter from storms, shifters taking the form of dead bodies, demons making deals left and right and that was just the start. Dean knew that Cas said it wasn't their thing but all the dead bodies seemed to differ. 

"Hey, what are you thinking about?" Lila asked quietly. When Dean looked up he saw her face laced with concern. 

"Just the job, nothing new." He smiled before leaning forward and kissing her softly. When he pulled back she frowned at him but left the topic where there. 

"So what does a guy do around here to show a lady a good time?" Lila smiled at Dean's sigh of relief. 

"I can think of a couple things." He smirked at her before she rolled her eyes.

"Settle down Winchester. I have to make a couple calls." Lila answered before standing and walking out of the room. 

~

A little over an hour later Lila found Dean focused on a computer as she made her way to the study. She smiled at the concentrated look on his face as he read whatever it was that he was on the screen.

She had spent many years wondering where he was and if he was safe. When Lila was young she would find herself tossing and turning throughout the night worrying about him and the hunts she would go on. Now he looked peaceful and content with the life he had. Dean finally had a home and nothing could make Lila happier. 

She walked up behind him and placed a hand on his shoulder. They stood like that for a few moment before Dean grabbed her hand and brought it to his lips. Lila smiled before walking towards the table Sam was sitting at and grabbing one of the huge books laid out in front of him. She figured if nothing else she could help them research while she was here. 

If there was one thing Lila was good at it was researching. She found that the more she did it the quicker she got results. So when she sat down across from Dean and opened the book she buried her nose in its pages. Lila only sometimes got distracted by the foot that kept kicking at hers under the table.


	18. Chapter 16

Chapter 16

The words on the pages began to blur steadily and before long Lila felt like she had been hit with a rock. She wasn't finding anything and from the looks of it neither was Dean, who was currently sitting in front of a laptop trying to watch funny videos inconspicuously. In his defense they had been studying for at least two hours with no result. Lila didn't even know what she was looking for. She found herself staring at the stories on the pages and stealing quick glances at Dean. If he had fought even a quarter of what she was reading about then she had no clue how he was still alive. 

All the years she had spent trying to hide from what he did felt selfish now that she saw it. Certainly she knew it was dumb not to learn how to protect herself after the episode with the demon, but she had never really been there for him. Never asked him how he got out of hell and how it affected him, she'd never stopped to let him unload the weight he so obviously carried around on his shoulders. All because she was scared.

Now as she sat watching him smiling at something on the screen she wondered how many of their problems could have been solved by her just opening up? Dean certainly listened to her mope about school on many occasions, he took the burnt of her issues and talked through them with her. He had always been so good about listening to her, but Lila had always shut him down when it came to this. 

Lila shook her head as she stood to stretch. She didn't miss the way Dean's eyes zeroed in on the small skiff of skin showing from her shirt riding up. When he finally noticed Lila's raised eyebrow pointed towards him he just shrugged and smiled before going back to whatever he was watching. 

Lila walked around the table and leaned down behind him. As she wrapped her arms around his neck Dean turned his nose into her hair and breathed it in silently before turning his attention to her eyes. The smile that overtook his face warmed her and she returned it without hesitation.

"How's research going?" She pointedly looked at screen of his laptop before laughing at his sly smile.

"Well, did you know that an elephant can be pregnant up to twenty two months?" Dean answered matter of factly. Lila grimaced at the thought.

"Sounds absolutely horrible." Dean laughed at the horrified expression and pulled her in for a kiss. It was short and sweet and when they pulled apart he pressed his lips sweetly to her cheek as she sighed.

"I think I need a nap." Dean stated before closing the laptop and standing. Lila smiled as he stretched and walked towards the hallway. Once he realized that she wasn't following he turned and fixed her with the most fake pout she had seen in a while. 

"Will you nap with me?" Lila couldn't help but laugh before walking towards him and wrapping her arms around his neck. Dean snaked his arms around her waist and pulled her in close.

"How can I resist?" Lila whispered before backing away from his embrace and letting him grab her hand and lead her to his room. 

~ 

On a few special occasions Dean felt the need to have someone wrap their arms around him. That someone had always been one person in particular and she currently had her arms wrapped around his waist with her head buried in his back. Though he would never in a million years admit it to anyone; having Lila be the big spoon was pretty fucking awesome.

He could feel her warm and steady breath ghosting across his shirt as she slept soundly. Dean had woken up a few moments before and had found her breathing peaceful as he waited for her to open her eyes. He was just too damn comfortable to actually disturb her. 

How long had it been since he felt like this? The peace that consumed him as he held her arm tighter to his waist was something so rare that he could barely remember the last time it had happened. When he actually thought hard about it he realized that for the most part this only happened when he was with Lila. She brought with her a certain sense of ease that few others did. 

Dean had been drowning. He had been grasping at anything to keep him afloat. This life that he chose continued to beat him and he got to the point that he just didn't care anymore; everything that they had done didn't mean anything. It didn't matter, it never did. With everything seeming to always go wrong and never being able catch a break he was tired. 

Dean had been fighting with his inner demons for what felt like months before he saw Lila's back. She gave him hope that it would all turn out alright somehow. Maybe he would finally get something good out of this God forsaken life.

The body behind began moving slowly, her arms pulling him even closer as she buried her face in his neck. Slowly Dean began turning until he was facing her and wrapped his arms around her. He couldn't help but laugh at the grimace on Lila's face, she never had been an easy riser. 

"Why are you laughing?" Lila half whined as her face showed her slight annoyance.

"Your face is cute when you wake up." Dean murmured and leaned in to kiss her forehead. She batted at his chest weakly as he laughed quietly. This was paradise.

Soon he found himself with Lila nestled closely to his chest, her fingers rested on his jaw as he tangled his in her hair. Dean smiled at her as she sighed contently before stretching her neck and kissing the underside of his jaw. He shivered at the soft touch of lips on skin and fought the urge to chase those very lips with his own. He wanted so badly to touch her, could feel the need in every fiber of his being but he still wasn't sure. 

Yeah they had an awesome make out last night but what Dean needed was different. He craved that connection between them. He needed them to be one again, but he needed to know where they stood. It was like when he first met her all over again; he knew without a doubt there was no way she could want him but there was always a part of him that hoped for more.

Dean thought about how simple things were back when they young; before he went and got Sammy from college. When all he had to do was help his dad when needed and go home to Lila. She was always so warm and happy when he showed up at her favorite bar on a Friday night or knocked on her dorm room's window because he couldn't get in. They were both so young, without a care in the world and nothing to think about but tomorrow. Where the hell had those days gone? 

If someone told him then where he'd end up now he can't say he'd do anything differently, but he probably would have savored those quiet moments with her. He would have spent more time enjoying those moments of pure bliss that seemed forever engrained in his soul. 

Dean swallowed hard as he tried clearing his throat. Looking down now she was the same Lila she had always been but he knew he put her through the ringer. She didn't show it but he knew a person burned when he saw one.

"I'm so sorry." The whisper was so quiet he almost didn't hear it, and when he did finally make out what she had said he looked at her with surprise. What could Lila possibly be apologizing for? Shouldn't it be the other way around? There was no amount of atonement for the pain he caused her.

"I'm sorry I wasn't there Dean. For any of it," Lila closed her eyes as a tear slid down her cheek. Dean found himself trying to form words but he was incapable. He couldn't fathom what she was saying. "I should have been. I should have called you, but I never did and I will never forgive myself for that." 

Dean frowned as he thought of what to say. He wasn't sure why she was blaming herself when he had never even told her he came back from Hell the first time. How could she have known?

"You can't call a dead person Lila. It's not your fault." He murmured as he wiped her tear away with his thumb.

"Not just then Dean. I should have been there for you from the beginning, instead I just hid from it all. You were always so supportive of me and I just shut you down." She kept her eyes trained on his chest instead of looking at his face, Dean couldn't have that. He gently placed his fingers under her chin and applied pressure making her raise her eyes to meet his. They were filled with unshed tears and pain. He smiled gently at Lila before sighing.

"As much as you didn't want to know I didn't want you to know either, Lila. You couldn't know about this world because I didn't want you to be a part of this. It's fucked up and hurts anyone who touches it. I wanted you unscathed." Dean whispered as bent his head down and kissed her lightly. 

"I wish I had been better to you Dean." Lila choked after he pulled away. Dean frowned once again before moving her to her back. He climbed over her so he was perched above her.   
Dean leaned on one of his forearms as he gently stroked her jaw with his thumb. 

"You were so good to me Lila. I came home bloodied and bruised and you never batted an eye," He sunk down and began planting soft kisses on her face starting with her forehead. "You cleaned me up and held me when I couldn't take it anymore," Her jaw. "You wrapped in your warmth, you're my sunshine Lila," Her cheeks. "You came here after not hearing from me for years all because of a text." He kissed her lips so gently she could barely feel it before fixing her with a pointed stare and lowering his voice. "And I won't sit here and listen to anyone talk about you like that, because Lila, you fucking saved me." 

Lila stared at Dean with shock before wrapping her arms around his neck. He leaned down and pressed his lips to hers tentatively. He couldn't explain the nerves that he felt for the first time in a long time but he pushed through. Slowly he began moving his lips and felt relief when she responded. 

Dean trailed his fingers down the side of her torso and landed on her waist. He gripped it lightly before using his other hand to tangle in her long hair. Lila gasped slightly at the welcome connection and he used it as an opportunity to lick into her mouth. 

Dean noticed Lila's hands on his back look for some purchase before they gripped his shirt in fistfuls. How had he gotten on without her? Now that she was here he wondered why he had let her go so easy and he knew he wouldn't do it again. He wanted her, wanted to be selfish for once. He could protect her, Dean knew that much, she would always be safe and he knew he could make her happy. 

Dean groaned at the thought before breaking away and kissing her neck. The taste of her skin was intoxicating as he moved down and pulled the neck of her shirt out of the away and went to work sucking a mark on her collarbone. Lila gasped at the foreign feeling before moaning and wrapping her legs around his waist. Dean sought her mouth again as he started grinding against her, desperate for the friction he so badly needed. 

"Fuck Lila, I need you." He all but growled into her ear before biting at the lobe mercilessly. Lila sank her fingers in his hair and pulled his eyes to hers. If ever time had stopped Dean was sure it was in that moment as they stared at each other. He swore that he saw the fire burning in her eyes signaling that she wanted him as much as he wanted her. A shiver ran down his spine as he slowly lowered down and softly brushed his lips across her temple.

Lila's breath caught as Dean kissed her neck while sliding his hand under her shirt. He felt the warmth of her skin and closed his eyes. When their foreheads met she peered up at him with long lashes. Their heavy breath mingling as they both tried to read the others mind. Dean watched as a concerned look crossed Lila's face and she bit her lip. Damn he wanted to bite that lip too.

"Dean, there's something you-" Before she could finish Dean had covered her mouth with his hand.

"I don't need to know anything Lila. I just know that I need you, anything after that can be dealt with later." Dean moved his hand away and waited apprehensively for an answer. The kiss that followed was answer enough for him.

Dean lost himself in Lila. She wrapped her legs around his waist as he began rocking into her and kneading her ass. Her hands snuck up his back and he could feel her nails as they lightly scratched at him.

"I need to see you." Lila said urgently as she went to work on stripping his shirt off. Dean sat back on his knees pulling her with him. Unbuttoning his pants he stood quickly and shoved them down taking his socks off along with them. 

Dean was taken by surprise as he watched Lila quickly move towards him. Her lips found every surface of his torso as she licked and kissed his abs. She sat on the edge of the bed with her hands planted firmly on his waist, her tongue tracing every cut and line. He groaned softly at the delicious feel of her mouth.

"Oh fuck Lila." Dean moaned indecently when she moved up his body and bit his nipple. He looked down and watched her move to the other before she slid her hand into his boxers. Lila wrapped her hand around his dick loosely and began pumping slowly as she continued mouthing at the hard planes of his stomach.

Dean humped into her hand involuntarily. There wasn't enough friction for him to get any true pleasure, Lila was just driving him fucking nuts and he knew it was all apart of her plan. When her grip tightened minimally he dropped his head and closed his eyes. 

"Please.. Fuuck Lila." Dean groaned and before he knew it she had yanked his boxers down and surrounded his dick with her soft lips. 

The litany of indecent noises flying out of Dean's mouth were like music to Lila's ears. She swiped her tongue at the slit and tasted the pre cum leaking. He cursed as she began lapping up every drop off the head of his dick.

Dean sunk his hand into her hair and held onto her head as Lila began bobbing back and forth. It was better then he remembered and watching her as she hollowed her cheeks and grabbed a handful of his ass was icing on the cake. Fuck he couldn't remember the last time he wanted someone so badly. 

Before long Dean urged Lila off his dick and kissed her hard. Licking into her mouth and feeling every inch of her with his tongue. The taste of himself on her was so dirty and hot that he groaned before pulling away and yanking her top off. 

"Get those fucking jeans off." Dean growled as he scooped his hand into one of her lacy cups and pulled her breast out. He palmed for a second before sucking at her nipple. Lila yelled at the sharp bite he delivered before going to work on her jeans. 

"Oh god baby, just as good as I remember." Dean said as he stood back and admired how wrecked Lila looked. Kneeling on the side of the bed with her pants down around her knees, her underwear soaked with arousal, and one breast hanging out of her bra. This would definitely be a part of his spank bank forever.

Dean advanced predatorily and pushed on her shoulder gently. When she fell back he pulled her legs out from under her and yanked her jeans off her legs and showed her underwear the same mercy. Lila slipped her bra off as he crawled over her and rested his weight on her. 

Dean squeezed her ass as she wrapped her legs around his waist. Lila chased his mouth and kissed him before pulling away and threading her fingers through his short hair. They stilled as they watched each other, breath heavy and bodies sweaty, each waiting for the other to make a move. 

"I'm ready Dean." Lila whispered. It was all he needed to hear. 

Slowly Dean eased into Lila. Her eyes closed as he began rocking gently in and out of her. The tenderness they felt for each other was mirrored in the soft moans and gentle touches they shared. They whispered sweet nothings into each other's ears as they climbed towards their peaks at a slow but steady rate. 

And when he finally did feel that tight pull of release on his stomach, Dean swore he saw the stars.


End file.
